Unmasking the shame of anxiety
I got a call from a woman the other day who wanted to talk about her panic attacks and general anxiety. She is in her early thirties and lives with her husband and kids in a small town.
She told me how anxiety and panic attacks were destroying her quality of life and everyday was turning into a pitch battle.
She used to travel all around the world for work, but today she finds it hard to step out the front door for fear of having a panic attack. She has two small kids and they have needs to be met. She has to get over this for their sake. That’s why we are are talking.
I asked her if she had told anyone else about anxiety problem besides her husband and doctor.
She explained that she had let a few friends know, but in general she kept it to herself, fearing others might start to gossip about it behind her back. I then asked her what it was that really troubled her the most about her anxiety.
She got a little irritated and said “haven’t you been listening to me? I cant leave my home because of this and I have kids to look after. What could be worse than that?”
“No, I get that”, I said “but what REALLY troubles you about your anxiety?”
There was a long silence. Then after a moment she said, “not leaving home is just the half of it, the other stuff I could never admit to anyone, -I am too ashamed of it”
“Well try me” I said “I am pretty much a stranger to you and I don’t imagine we will ever meet in person. You have nothing to lose.”
“Okay…so deep down I fear I am losing my mind. Like I am losing touch with reality. I am not present with my children because I am the whole time thinking about how I am thinking, if that makes any sense?”
“Sometimes I have such disturbing anxious thoughts of a sexual or violent nature that I truly shock myself” she said as her voice broke with emotion.
Then another brief silence…
“Random ideas flash across my mind that only a deranged person would think of…”
“For example?” I asked
“Well, just this morning, I was feeding my little girl and I had this violent thought come to mind. It disturbed me so much I had stop feeding her and lock myself in the bath room for five minutes because I was shaking so much. I mean what kind of mother would think such a thing?”
“I am so ashamed and scared of myself. I would never act on these thoughts but how could I even think them in the first place! That’s what really upsets me the most, I feel I have no control over it”
“So I bet you think I am nuts right?”
“No not at all”, I said, “in fact I think you are perfectly normal. You are a sane normal person suffering from an overly anxious mind mixed with exhaustion and an active imagination. It is perfectly normal. It is not one bit pleasant but it is normal”
I told her that people can often admit to their doctor or close friends about the panic attacks or general anxiety, but they rarely admit to the things that really upset them the most about their anxiety. They hide their greatest fear so deep and suffer in silence because they fear being told they have a real serious problem.
It is normal for example, for such people to be afraid to pick up a kitchen knife in case they go nuts and stab someone.
Or they get anxious at times behind the wheel of a car, for fear of swerving uncontrollably into coming traffic.
Or they hate to stand on a balcony in case they suddenly decide to jump off it.
What these people do not realize is that what they are going through is much more common than they think. These intrusive thoughts are fueled by a cocktail of high anxiety, exhaustion and an overactive imagination. A lot of people suffer from them (even people you know) but they would never admit it. These type of thoughts come with a feeling of deep shame for even having such thoughts in the first place.
In order to end shame you have to unmask it.
You have to admit it first clearly to yourself. You need to be clear in your own mind about what it is that you could never admit to another. Then the healing can occur.
If this is applicable to you and your anxiety, then post anonymously (or with your first name) about it below. When you start to unmask this shame it lessens it’s power over you.
Posting your story will also help others to open up about their own story. So much of getting over all anxiety is about learning to normalize what feels totally abnormal. When you normalize anxiety you drop your resistance to it and that in turn releases the inner tension you feel around it.
If you do not want to post about it, then at least write it down on paper somewhere and expose it to the light of day.
Unmask it now so in time you can gracefully let it go.
Barry
P.S comments posted below are moderated and will take 24 hours or more to appear on the site.
sohan
im sorry its a long message but please take just a little bit of your time and answer me ! i dont know if you wiil acctually read this or not , but i really wish u’d do it , so i testify now cuzz im so tired confused , please answer me with some advices , or just reassure me cause everytime i got scared or my symptomes start to give me such a hard time i go into my mind , and my thoughts ruch into death and dying , whech im scared about since i was a child , but lately its became more like an obsession , Iam abir im 19 years and im from morocoo , im gonna go briefly on my story , in my childhood i always thought im kinda diffrent i dont know why , i was always the kind of nice people from the inside , but somtimes i go rude just to bring out my anger … the three points represent all my childhood ! i mean ive always been afraid of two things death and bad spirits , and than i grew up ! i cant remember how but 3 years from now. started to ask many questions in my head , gotten so emmotionnal! thinking that im always depressed , unlucky , cursed thinking all negative things about my self ! i was always broken hearted , always felt misstreated , but still always showing that im tough in front of people ! its not true tho ., imma talk about 2011 2012 .. got so disappointed from all my freinds , my relations ships , i can say i got dissapointed at life .. and at the end of each year i was like : uugh this year sucks so much u hope nex year will be better , to notice i sttoped my sttudies , for no reasons .. but at the end of 2012 i really i cracked out , and than it started i dont know when . but i was always thinking im a failiure , someday a thing happend to me reaaly made me thinking i dont know why i failed in a lot of things it was a trip a fight … im accutually a fun girl i like to drink to smoke weed to hang out with a lot of people i mean i love making new freind new boy freind but not anymore , every thing is scary now .. i had my first panic attack but i already gotten one or maybe two when i was a child ,it was like im tottally gonna die now thats why i been thinking about it for so long , god gave signs blabla .. it was accttualy a loot of thoughs that made me think im gonna die thats why .. and than i started have blured vision , weird sight , Tingling sensations in my feet going up to my seperior parts , my hands somtimes my face , tighness in my arms and knees musculs , somtimes i started to feel so weird i thought aint not way that is a normal thing , anyways i couldnt shake this feelings and than i relativise all that to impending doom , ithought i was on a depression and thats what i was talking all the time , and than one day i was so sure im gonna die , i didnt gotten out for 40days , only crying and not eating the 2 first weeks , i lost a lot of weight and i wwas so scared 24/24 with a certitude that my life had come to an end . saw a psycho told im on a depression but didnt say anything about anxiety putted me on serdep fluoxetine and alpraz alprazolam and aliviar , felt better but still not the same person , and than i sttoped them cuzz i thoguht its over , but no i wazs wrong , any way thats how it started , and than i had some buzz in my head like a shitty sorry for the word motor , and from that i cant enjoy life like i was, cant get out by my self , cant make new relations ships , cant go on dates alone , cant shake the idea im gonna die from my head , always scared from tomorow even when i dont have any feeling like that , it got creepy , always paranoid about any feeling , im so scared if i ever got out of my confortable zones , home next to my mum .. went to another shycho he said i have panic disorder but didnt mention anxiety , putted me on xanax deroxat and solian , but i couldnt take them im so scared of those , somtimes i get so sad , im scared of been sad , im scared of new people evryone says i changed and it freaks me out , each day i wake up in a mood somtimes in a panic mood somtimes in a good mood somtimes in a sad mood , always blaming my self , feeling so guilty somtimes for nothing for somthing im not responsble for. i feel like im not even ther , when im sourounded by people ! i dont know i doubt evrything .. please answer me ! do i reaaly have anxiety ? and than i went to anotherd doctor he told me i have anxiety/depression with hypoconriaque trends , and i desided to go with first drugs cuzz i know how they process, i felt better after i dont know 2 days , and cuzz when i dont feel like anxious or somthing or when im overcoming my toughts its weird cuzz i think im not even having thatso please help me cuzz i cant go any furthur , And sorry again its a loong message , thank you
Alma
This e-mail came to me when I really needed it. I woke up last night and had a panic attack and was being hard on myself for it. I took clonazapem .25 which I take when I feel an attack coming. The panic subsided and then I am left with feeling ashamed and weak and what I say to myself at times that I am a loser. I started checking my e-mails and found this e-mail and once I read it I felt better knowing I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person going through this anxiety and panic cycle and it feels unfair. I have struggled with panic and anxiety as long as I can remember since 2nd grade. I have had good days and bad days. I am now 44 and still having good days and bad days. I am now married, have an eleven year old son and am a lawyer. Most people think my life is perfect because they don’t know my inner struggles. I am ashamed to talk about it. My husband knows somewhat about my feelings. He knows I don’t drive and don’t like going places alone. Lucky for me we have our own law office and we drive into work together. But I don’t always share the anxiety and feelings that go on inside of me. I have friends but again they do not have any idea about this part of my life. All they know is that I don’t like driving. Reading the article and reading everyone’s comments made a world of difference in my day today. I realize I am not alone and there are others going through what I am. It also makes me realize that what I feel is temporary and goes away and I shouldn’t get so scared. It also gives me hope that I will hopefully one day get better and even if I don’t I can learn to accept myself and not be so hard on myself.
John
I get panic attacks when I have to fly especially if I have to fly overseas afor vacations. I think that the plane is going to crash and I will drown. Sure makes it hell to go on vacation because I start getting panicky weeks before the vacation.
Hayley
I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for many years. I have had counselling for the initial underlying causes and found that helped enormously. My main problem is the unexpected panic attacks and generalized anxiety that persists. I am almost through a three year degree and have coped well with university, but surprisingly I find myself suffering from persistent anxiety.
My children are grown up and married now, but I remember having terrifying thoughts when they were little that I might harm them. The only way that I could make my self stop panicking was to then tell my self that I would hurt me before I could ever hurt them. Needless to say, I never hurt them and never would have nor did I hurt my self.
I am learning to cope with my anxiety without medication, and find that I usually wake in the morning feeling tense and anxious, like I have suffered a panic attack in my sleep!
I still am able to work as a nurse and somehow get through without anyone knowing. My first husband suicided 14 years ago, and left me with my children who I brought up on my own. My second husband is very supportive and understands I suffer from anxiety. I am very lucky I have such good support, which I think helps me get through life. Thankyou for the opportunity to tell a bit of my story.
Linda
I have been suffering from general anxiety and panic attacks for just over 3 years now, I have had prior episodes but those have been short-lived and usually arrive when under a lot of stress. My anxiety is worse in mornings and usually subsides by lunch but if there are days that I am overly stressed, am upset by somebody or something or feel out of control in any way these heightened feelings of anxiety will last the day and by evening I am exhausted. I rake 15mg of mirtazapine before bed and can now sleep for usually at least 6 hours and on it goes again. On rare occasions when I wake feeling good, oh my lord how good it feels. I lost my mother-in-law nearly 3 years ago after she was diagnosed with cancer the previous year. My father-in-law moved in when his wife died and lived with us for 6 months, this was really quite a stressful time for a number of reasons and when he moved back home, it was just a stressful worrying about him. He came to visit daily and walk the dog and still does so but less frequently. My husband moved back in with his dad, primarily because things got really bad at home, but I believe he wanted to be there for him. The move was supposed to be for a short time but is over 13 months ago and now I feel he would find it hard to leave him and has made no attempts at a reconciliation but comes up to visit me and our daughter when he feels like. My husband (we are not married but have been together for over 30 years) works hard, and life in the family home is a lot more stressful than it is at home with dad without the responsibility of the family and the demands that come with an active teenage daughter who has a number of activities to be taxied to and from. My oldest daughter came back home about 18 months ago and lived here while setting up her own home after a breakup from her boyfriend. My mum was diagnosed Feb 12 with Alzheimer’s and died in Feb 13. You may have noticed that most of this posting has been about other people and their needs being focussed on and I am the strong one (many people use this word to describe me) so I don’t need to be cared for and thought of. I am independent and absolutely hate what anxiety has done to me, I feel my life has been taken away and my world has shrunk and as most people that have posted I have thoughts that scare me, they are becoming less but if I find myself in a situation I perceive as threatening then the whole anxiety cycle rears it ugly head. Over the past 3 years I have had 3 episodes of absence from work due to my condition and I don’t want to feel like this any longer. I have recently returned to work and I have to go out of town for a couple of nights next week and for the passed couple of days I have been feeling stressed because of this, waking at 5am, I find saying The Holy Rosary is very comforting and helps to slow down my thoughts but some days it is harder than others to do this. Anyhow, my trip has been made a number of times and prior to becoming this way I really enjoyed going, break from routine, out with colleagues for meal, bit of shopping if time, and although even whilst writing that, it sounds great, oh the anxiety it will cause me, I must not let this win, I have to beat it. Yesterday in work I found out I have to go in another trip in a few weeks time and this involves a flight, I haven’t been on a plane in approximately 4 years and dread this even more than the trip next week. I am trying to get over the feelings and I have mostly been trying to accept how I feel and realise that I don’t always have to give 100% if I don’t have it to give and things don’t have to be my way, being a perfectionist can be a difficult thing to quit but I have been working on letting things go to improve my life. I have fairly recently taken up hot yoga and I think that this helps to release the stored emotions that I keep locked away, I can come away feeling quite drained sometimes then over the next few days will process the thoughts that come with the feelings and I have been able to let things go. if I may give an example, I was visiting family over 25years ago and ended up drinking quite a lot, I stayed over at one of their friends and over the passed couple of years I have been having a thought that I has sex with a person as visions came to my mind of him being in the room and me being upset and I tormented myself with these memories. However, in the last few weeks I had a clear memory, I did spend the night in one of his bedrooms and he woke beside me, I was aghast and asked him to leave and it was this vision of him leaving that haunted me and I thought I had done something I regretted, in fact it was my mind tormenting me, embellishing a distant thought and filling in the gaps. When my mind does this, it never fills in with happy things, always bad and then I can punish myself. I have had counselling for 3 years and it was always pointed out to me how hard I am on myself and my kindness and generosity shown to others is never there for myself, nor is it usually given by others as I am so strong and can cope. I am aged 47 years and I do believe that my feelings are related to my hormones also, I have had blood tests and my hormone levels were reported normal, although this was a couple of years ago. Getting over anxiety, although when I look back I have always been on the nervous side, as are a lot of my family members, so I have a higher chance than others to contract this disease. I am looking at my diet now and am going to eat only foods that help with emotional stability and hormone balancing and am trying to take some time out for me. Me time is becoming easier as I am no longer needed by my children to the extent that I once was, at the same time I am lonely and have to really motivate myself to do things that I enjoy. I have enjoyed writing this, even if nobody ever reads it, it has been quite cathartic and helped to put things into perspective. All I know is we are not alone and there is always somebody there to offer a listening ear or hold out a helping hand, we just have to be willing to ask.xxx
David
I have been suffering from health & general anxiety for 3 years now..
I can honestly say it has been the worst 3 years of my 49 year life, I have battled the demons and as yet they seem to be winning.. My first panic attack hit me like a train came out of nowhere, I felt as if I was dying the dizziness, the nausea, the pounding heart and the tingling sensations. Needless to say I haven’t forgotten these wired and unusual feelings and the awareness of every weird boldly sensations & symptom keeps me in the perpetual cycle of fear..
I run a small business and have not taken time out to fully recover but then running this business also acts as a distraction which in it’s self helps divert my attention away from the darkness lurking above me so that has got to be a blessing..
I have had checks and currently my symptoms are all stomach related (IBS i’m told) my anxiety brain says it’s got to be cancer or an ulcer or both.. Both of my parents and my wife’s father died of cancer which were not found in time by the doctors. A lack of trust in the medical world sits in my unconscious as a general worry, what if I have it, after all it is known as the silent killer and hey, I have enough proof to back this up.
I get pains in my lower back caused by something worse or simply the fact that I need a hip replacement that causes numerous referral pains which doesn’t help. I live with a constant aching pain, reduced movement and disturbed sleep.. Of course I’m too scared to have the op, so here I sit wallowing in self pity and fear.
Thank you to everybody that leaves comments, these help me to realise I am not alone and that this is not unusual which makes me fell a little bit normal..
Jane
Thank you so much for your post about this Barry. That is SO true. You can admit to the stuff that you think is kind of acceptable but the ‘afraid to pick up a knife’ thing seems so over the top. Your doubt about your own capacity to cope and be ‘normal’ like everyone else and to trust yourself is the thing that is the real issue. I have always suffered from anxiety. I was severely abused as a baby (I still have cigarette burn scars all over me) and child. I remember many horrendous things. However I don’t think that that was the biggest ’cause’ of my anxiety. I believe the most terrifying thing comes from drug prescriptions that the doctor gives you. People have no idea that things like some antibiotics can cause the most terrible suffering eg Flagyl is an antibiotic that is often prescribed for women for vaginal and urinary tract infections. The sad thing is that people have no idea what caused their terror. I wish I could tell the whole world about the effects of chemicals on the nervous system, particularly caffeine which causes anxiety, depression and thought and sleep disorders. No one is going to say anything because our whole world is built on the coffee/tea/soda/energy drinks multi-zillion dollar business. God bless and heal all of you who suffer from anxiety.
Sara
I have battled anxiety for maybe 5years.With counselling and Acupunture,I felt calmer and more in control.
Recently it has flared up,due to a move and lots of changes,my thoughts can be irrational and instantly recognisable as my anxiety,it fills me with such fear,I have to tell myself repeatedly that I’m not going mad and all will be ok.I think anxiety breeds anxiety and the fear in the pit of your stomach,fuels anxious thinking in itself. Reading others comments is actually a comfort and makes us all realise we’re not alone in this.
Being open and talking about it takes away the darkness of anxiety….
Renata
I’m suffering from panics attacks for 9 years now… It’s really destroyed most of my social life. In the beginning I refuse to leave house for year and half… To cut story short, 5 months ago I decide I’m strong enough to quit med. Well, thy was a bit of mistake, so I thought… I work on the ship…bit I get send on another ship where I didn’t feel safe and so many bad things happen at once… Panic and anxiety started to come back… It was really bad and I didn’t have choice.. I needes to tell my superiors and most of the people what I’m dealing with… And I get surprised, they show support and understanding what going through… Nobody thought I am crazy like I was thinking they will think. And in that point I was so tired I didn’t even think about shame… I just wanted to survive. So at the end, admiting to the world my problem set me free and create new straight in me. I’m still without medications and I just wanna kick this thing a..!!!!
One day panic wins, but I wanna win the war!!! And all that thoughts I have them too…I don’t press them down, I just say to myself… It will pass, that is not who I am.
One more thing, if I didn’t get panic attacks I would never learn who I am. They keeping me humble and kind. They remind me how everything is fragile and to enjoy on every second of my life. I decide to take beat of it and not let panic destroy who I am. Every day living is hard, but I face that challenge every day. I don’t wanna hide behind panic any more. Even if I go out and start to scream and shout, so what!!! I wouldn’t be first one!!!!
mare
This really helps to remind me that, we are all just human beings gonig through struggles , =) i too get caught up n my fears n thought. but I love to hear im normal lol =) thank you!
Craig
Wow so many going through the same!!! I have had this now for 3 years and can go to certain shops but not work or doctor. My ears are causing me dizzy spells all day everyday but can’t get my foot in the door at the docs. My life was great and the sadest thing is the people that made it great are still there but I am not. My kids just want to play but I am just trying so hard to survive my self that I am unable to. My wife has become the rock but should not have to. People around me are doing everything but I am not even able to give them my self as I am locked in this body just trying to stop a melt down. We are close to losing everything and all I can do is watch, I have a strong thought of power and excitement of how I can make it all work just to wake up the next morning feeling like a empty shell again. The one thing that holds me together as our world crumbles around us is that the people I love and need the most are still by my side. When I get better I am going to devote my live to my family first of corse but then helping people like us. I would like to help people with anxiety get to the doctor or just have a coffee out of the house. Thanks guys.
Unknown
Yes I recognize all of it. Also the terrible thoughts!
It is truely a nightmare. To be in bed at night and being scared to fall a sleep (lose control) and being afraid you will hurt your husband or some one else in the house. Very very disturbing. The fear of losing control and do things you would never ever do or would ever think about when you are not in that mood, is hell.
What usually worked for me is just take a little tranquilizer to get rid off too much tension. It helps.
I always have them with me, just in case. It helps just to know to have them with you, even when not using them at all for weeks.
I learned to admit to myself and others i have these enormous fears and to get control over situations and take care of myself. So f.e. when i go into a large room with a lot of people and i dont feel relaxed, i just stay close to the door, in case i feel the urge to leave. So I can leave. I organize escapes etc… for myself. Over time it helps to overcome fear. Slowly its fading. And always comes back.
When I have these extreme fears, it doesnt help to reason with myself, because I kill my own helping thoughts. Nothing works in situations like that, you just have to sit it out.
Pam
I just want to say 3 years ago I had my first panic attach. Learned all about panic thru the program. Eventually I got better with the help of ativan. Got off meds…life seemed good…and then bam…here I am again. Sometime I feel guilty just having this problem, trying to be normal is difficult. But my husband is my rock. He tells me it will pass all the time. The biggest help is talking to other who deal with the same thing . I love the PA program…and forum. I’m learning acceptance…slow but true. I feel a little stronger each time I remind myself that this wont kill me, and it’s just my own thoughts that trigger it. And I know not to push it away, just ride the wave….I’m gonna be alright…takes time.
David
When the woman revealed her fear of losing her mind, I went through the same experience. At first, my anxiety/fear stemmed from mortality and then developed to other fears and then finally came the fear of going crazy.
I eventually began winning this battle (and this is an ongoing battle) because I used Barry technique of basically demanding threats to deliver. I almost sound like a market specialist but the four steps I read about when I joined Panic Away worked.
In the case of going crazy I simply let myself go “crazy”. I let myself absolutely try and lose my mind. Guess what, it NEVER HAPPENED.
As Barry says: threats are unfulfilled promises. Challenge your fears and threats and make them deliver. If you are afraid your heart is going to stop and you will die, let your heart stop and see if you die.
This worked for me.
Another element people should know: this takes time. This is a VERY serious problem and it will not go away with one visit to the doctor or some simple medication. This is an ongoing battle and eventually, you can win this battle every time you are confronted – I am living proof.
Christian
I agree facing the fear and anxiety head on is the best advice. If you feel an episode arising observe it and mentally invite it. It will quickly subside because instead of focusing on the fear of it all and fueling it you snuff out the fuel and it has nothing else to feed off. This has worked well for me. Once I truly understood how to become an observer. After applying this tactic successfully I then stopped checking in with myself all the time. If I feel a sensation coming over me I just feel it and don’t worry over it any more. They always go away. Then I began to understand what my triggers were once I pulled out of the constant domino effect of the initial Anxiety and Panic attack cycle. Sure I still get strong anxiety symptoms from time to time but I don’t care anymore and that in its self is freedom from anxiety. Just the other day I felt a full blown panic attack come on while I was driving with all my kids in the car. I hadn’t had one in over a year. I just let it happen acknowledging in my mind what it was and it was gone in a matter of seconds. I take no medicine to treat my anxiety and I feel that I can manage it well for the rest of my life. I still have fantasies of dying or someone I love dying but I recognize that is all they are eventually and I don’t have to feel guilt because of them.Thanks Barry for all the tools you gave me along the way. Some of them didn’t help until I truly understood how to apply them.!
jamie
I have anxiety with panic. I feel a tighness in my throat all the time. When I am outside of city limits, away from water, or a hospital in a few miles, I have major attacks. I can’t function. I am not depressed, but it is making my life a living nightmare. I cant even go for a bike ride with my daughter. I cant leave city limits without taking an anti anxiety pill. I use to fly, bike, run and live life to the fullest. I have had these attacks on and off my whole life, but the past 3 years have been crippling. Doctors want me to take anti depression meds, they feel that helps take the edge off the anxiety. But i am not depressed. When I have taken them, I actually get more anxiety and get tired and almost depressed state, moving in slow motion. So now I just live with 24/7 anxiety and take a bata blocker if i am to drive in the car or go for a bike ride. I feel constantly my thoat is closing and tight, and have to have liquits with me constantly, I even choak sometimes when eating or cant make siliva. I get dizzy and have passed out a few times. Doctors say nothing is wrong with my throat or head, I just have to learn to deal with it. I cant. It is ruining my life.
jamie
I have also tried letting them just come…and well my longest for 2 hours I had an attack, shaking, thinking going to die, i had to take the strong beta blocker to let it calm down. I am trying to implament the CD and book, but I still cant stop them from happening…Only thing that stops them is the pill or being in the safty zone, in town, by a hospital with water. The thoat feeling is always there, and slight anxity, but when I try to sleep at night, leave the house, leave town, bikeride anything, there the big ones come…
jamie
I have even tried to let them just happen. The longest I let it go, was 2 hours and I had to take a strong bata blocker to make it stop. I constantly have the tight throat and mild anxiety, but leaving town, or even driving or biking (without water or a bata blocker) is not an option. It feel bad for my family, It is hard for them to understand, for I dont even understand it. I could handle the anxety if I did not have the tight throat all day long.
Kathy
I have been battling anxiety and panic and depression every since I can remember. I am 55 now. I have gone to doctor after doctor. Tried on medication after another. i have been hospitalized four times. The anti-depressants and anti-phsycotics don’t work and actually make yhings worse. Sedatives work the best. They calm down my brain and let me have some peace. This stuff has ruined my life. I’m so alone and lonely. Nobody wants to be with someone who is like me. I have done some things during my anxiety/panic that people see as me just being selfish when all I was trying to do is keep my head above water and not go crazy (which was a fear everyday) I have constant thoughts of being dead. Not nessisarily suicide but the thought that if I was dead everyone would be rid of me and this stupid feeling would end. I want to sleep all the time because sleep is the closest thing to death and I get some relief from the thoughts in my head. I can’t plan things to do in advance because I never know how I will feel and if I’m out if I will have a panic episode. I’m 55, alone (divorced from because of this awful thing) and I don’t see any hope of it getting better. I have tried everything that has been suggested to me that should help and it doesn’t help. I don’t want to feel like this and just wait to get old and die. I need people around me but who wants to hang out with someone like me?
Kaitlyn
Hi, I’m 20 and have had panic attacks and anxiety for 3 years. At first it started from hypochondria, and now I am just far overly sensitive about bodily sensations. I get headaches, dizziness, everything. I can’t be somewhere for a long time or make a lot of plans because that type of commitment makes me dizzy and nervous. I definitely find it hard to go on dates, even with friends, for fear of passing out.
The scariest thing about my anxiety is that I will read something and automatically thing it pertains to me. So I’ll read about diabetes and assume that I will pass out if my blood sugar gets too low or I eat too much sugar. Or I will see a person bleeding and think that something is wrong with ME. The worst is drinking artificial sweetners and thinking I’ll get a brain tumor. It’s selfish really. I don’t know what to do. I tell myself I’m fine
shane
I have recently begun suffering with anxiety which has moreso affected my stomach. I have culitus and everything seems to be directly related to making it to the bathroom. .I can barely leave the house I am off work for the lasr 4 months..in getting married in 1 month and cannot wait for the day. However I am scared I wont be able to get thru the day and feel I will let everyone down. With regards to the negative thinking and over imaginative thinking I seem to have wierd and disturbing thoughts.. I have never said any of this to anyone and didnt know soo many ppl have the same thing going on.when im driving I think of jumping the lights and getting into major car accidents…when I go over a bridge I think of it collapsing. .and many other disturbing thoughts that usually my eyes go wide open and I shake them of thinking wth are you thinking..hopefully acknowledging these thoughts is the first step in control…
Pam
David-
Love your story. And your advice…Would you say the 4 steps you learned from PA that helped you would be the same 4 steps for GA? Guess I should go over the entire program again since its been so long. I understand meds wont cure this…but I’ve read many times that it helps you get into a less sensitive state so that you can make progress after you are done with meds such as Ativan…Thanks for your confession.
Michael
Hi All, I have had panic attacks/agoraphobia for nearly 25 years. I was housebound for nearly 3 months, when I first started getting them. I have run the gamut of medications and sensations, I currently take 200mg Zoloft and Klonopin as needed. I used to feel as though I would jump out of my car when I would be driving. I would hold onto the seat when I was a passenger because I felt I would jump out. Sometimes at night I felt I would (should) get a knife and kill everyone in the house. When I was left alone with my kids I felt I was going to hurt them. I once consulted with a therapist, and she asked me, how many times have you acted on these thoughts? And I said, never! And she said because you never will because they are catastrophic thoughts. I thought about what she said and have come to conclusion that panic disorder is the poster child of catastrophic thinking. It is never whats happening, it’s always, what is going to happen. Be it, a heart attack (yes, I have been rushed to the hospital), going insane, losing control. Fear is the great pretender, it makes your thoughts (not actions) pretend the extreme will happen, so much so that your body reacts to the thoughts and vicious cycle begins. I can assure all of you, that your thoughts can’t be any worse than the few I have mentioned (there are many more), but I have never acted on one of them. Through these years. the theories of the cause of panic attacks has changed. From childhood trauma to chemical imbalance to genetic to a combination of all of them. I will leave you with this, I still consider myself agoraphobic, and I still have panic attacks, but I work every day, I have a wonderful wife who tries to understand and 2 kids, one in law school and one going into high school. As for panic attacks, I accept that they are finite and I live in that moment, when it happens, not the one my mind wants to take me. Understand, that they go away, because if you don’t, it will seem as though you are having a panic attack from the time you wake up until the time you fall asleep. This is something I didn’t understand until recently. Thanks for listening (reading) and good luck to all of you!! Peace and Love Mike
Bozena
About 20 years ago I suffered the first panic attack after worrying a lot about the family, and because I did not know what was wrong with me, I called the ambulance and went to the hospital for a few hours After that my real anxiety started, I could not sleep and my mind was so overtired that every silly thought cling and stayed on my mind. I started to use Lorazepam small dose for sleeping. During this time I was listening so cartefully to talks about depression and what can happen and I started to be afraid of harming myself or going crazy. While like that someone told me about the mother who suffered from depression and could not stay by herself and than died of heart and this story started my phobia about being alone at night and since hearing this I am so scared to stay by myself at night that when my husband goes to Europe for 3 weeks once in 3 years I go to sleep to my daughter’s house. This happened recently, I feel so ashamed that I am such a coward and I will not allow myself to try. I know what I am afraid of; that I will feel so overly anxious and I will not be able to sleep and the silly thoughts will be draining me more and more and I need to go to work in the morning. Generally I am such a happy and bubbly person, nobody will think that I have anxiety problems, I take lorazepam same amount for 20 years, now it is a habit. I read a lot of books about depression and anxiety and it helps me to deal with it when the bad periods come. Otherwise I live a good life but this phobia stays with me. I need to live with it, it feels like I am running from myself but the fear is so strong. I am only praying that I will always have my husband with me. Thank you for your encouragment and very useful information that I read over and over again.
I am now close to retirement, always a worrier, very sensitive and emotional person and when I get overtired I get scary thoughs but now I am so used to them they do not scare me that much. But this particular fear of being alone is strong when I think of the future and growing more older. Thank you for allowing people like me to write about our feelings, which stop us so often from feeling free and strong.
Harry Stone
I implore those who are suffering, needlessly, as all suffering is, to jump right in and start reading Eckart Tolle. The Power of Now is an extraordinary book, and I guarantee that it can and will help. Also, watch his videos. This comment may be taken down, since it’s a commercial site and all, but either way.
On a personal note, just know that all of us have been through at least some of your problems. No one here is alone, though it may seem like it sometimes. Life can be stressful, but stress is a perception. We are the ones who label things as bad or stressful. You have to realize it’sion, a passing mirage. Life is awesome. We go through times that seem like a challenge, but it’s always changing. I know not everyone is a Christian, and that’s ok. But one of the things kind of driven home in the Bible is that we weren’t given a spirit of fear, be anxious over nothing. It sounds easier said than done, bit is it?
The solution is to change your attitude. It takes a little practice at first, but trust me, you will get the hang of it quickly. You face something stressful? So be it! You can take it! Ask for more! Be the “tough guy” or gal. There is nothing you can’t handle. I promise. Go after it. Go after your stress, your anxiety. Face it right aggressively. You will see, perhaps even quickly, that it is nothing. You are all strong. Somewhere along the way, the anxiety made you forget that. Enough is enough. We all have setbacks, but they ate a positive! It means you’re on your way. Laugh at it, make jokes, ask for more. Eventually, you’ll see the sun.
Kaitlyn Cornell
Hi, I’m 20 and have had panic attacks and anxiety for 3 years. At first it started from hypochondria, and now I am just far overly sensitive about bodily sensations. I get headaches, dizziness, everything. I can’t be somewhere for a long time or make a lot of plans because that type of commitment makes me dizzy and nervous. I definitely find it hard to go on dates, even with friends, for fear of passing out.
The scariest thing about my anxiety is that I will read something and automatically thing it pertains to me. So I’ll read about diabetes and assume that I will pass out if my blood sugar gets too low or I eat too much sugar. Or I will see a person bleeding and think that something is wrong with ME. The worst is drinking artificial sweetners and thinking I’ll get a brain tumor. It’s selfish really. I don’t know what to do. I tell myself I’m fine but that doesn’t seem to help.
Elizabeth
Hi (to the unnamed woman in the article), I have dealt with a similar problem with unwanted thoughts that I hated and made me feel terrible, and almost like I’d rather die before. I got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I went to see a psychologist at the school i was attending (thankfully it was free because otherwise I couldn’t afford it) and I worked with her for like 6 months until I graduated. She really helped me, as Mr McDonah mentioned, to be honest with yourself first, because as he mentioned in another letter- what we resist persists. My situation began one day when my boyfriend and I were having sex. Not to be crude, but it’ll help you understand the situation. We were trying a new position when I was basically bouncing on his lap. It wasn’t the greatest for me, but we did it for a few minutes and while we were, it reminded me of when I was little bouncing on my dad’s knee. Then my thoughts when to a kid bouncing on a guys lap and then the kid thought of was my neice but since we were having sex the thoughts just got weird and disturbing. I then immediately wanted to change positions, but the thoughts stayed with me because I was resisting them, and the more I thought I was a horrible person for it, the more they would escalate and I actually found myself having a physical response that related to sexual arousal. At that point, I really thought I was a pedifile even though I know I would never act on it, but the thoughts continued and they made me question whether I could trust myself. I was terribly ashamed, feeling like I deserved to die, and didn’t deserve love. I felt compelled to tell my boyfriend because I was identifying myself with the worst case scenary, and with tears running down my face and prepared to be unloved and condemned, he didn’t seem to think it was that big of a deal, stating everyone has weird thoughts, you just let them go. Although the physical response was really what made me uncomfortable. I also told a close friend, and she assured me I was not a pedifile (even just thinking that word makes me cringe) but I knew if I told my family I wuld be black-listed and never looked at the same. Never trusted. So I finally went to talk to a therapist at the school and at that point I was ready to be titled and thrown in an insanity ward, but I knew I needed help because I wanted it to stop. Talking with my therapist, I found that I felt most relieved when I was as honest as possible- bc once again if i’d resist something or hold it back it would haunt me more. Sometimes just saying the traumatic thoughts, usually while crying, helped me.. just to get it out not be punished. She reminded me I need to have compassion for myself. I needed to realize when I was having the thought, acknowledge it, and let it go. My dwelling is what escalated everything and usually the fear of being a terrible person and especially not feeling comfortable telling anyone because I thought I couldn’t without being stoned is what fueled the negative. I remember once talking to my best girl friend and she was talking about how she didn’t like her husband to do anything sexual with her breasts when she was breast feeding beacause it made her feel weird and she didn’t want to relate anything. Well I thought to myself what a wonderful opportunity to see if she’d still accept me (since I didn’t think I deserved happiness or love) and i was telling her that I had a situation that related things and I gave her the story and how i felt really weird and ashamed because it brought up weird thoughts, not disclosing the sexual response that developed, and she replied with a reassuring, oh well that seems normal, but i was about to explain more, and she said something like only a pedifile would get aroused. and I felt like dying right there. I actually went to my therapist within the next day or two. because that conversation as well as another where she was talking about how like you never really know people and these people come out being child molesters (another set of words that makes me cringe) that you thought you knew, and they could live next door. well that’s when my therapist told me I don’t need to personalize myself with the thoughts. They are thoughts, and separate from who I am. They don’t make me who I am. My actions and the way I treat people make me who I am. That helped to hear once I really thought about it, as I was personalizing myself with everything I thought was detestable.
I also did a mental experiment to see if just those thoughts would be escalated when I detested them or if I could relate it to other things, because then it would confirm my anxiety was the culprit. Sure enough it happened. Every uncomfortable thought I dwelled on, and personalized with escalated and I’d almost wait like mentally cuing myself to have a physical response. I would wake up feeling terrible because I had a dream I had sex with my dad, or I’d be driving on a road where my car would naturally drift towards the other lane because of the angle of the ground and I’d feel like I was terrible and untrustworthy and dirty and detestable. Once, after my grandfather passed away, I couldn’t eat meat for a while because it looked like dead because while I was eating it I was thinking, oh my god it’s like eating my dead grandfather’s body. Like my thoughts were out of control and controlling me mentally and physically. Anything would trigger the thoughts, seeing the word “child” or hearing it said would make me feel uncomfortable because I was to be detestable and I again personalized the negative with myself. I didn’t like being around anything or one that seemed vulnerable because I didn’t trust myself. Even a rescue dog once, at my uncles house, I felt uncomfortable with bc she was skittish but friendly, and the skiitsh behavior made me personalize that I would hurt or molest her or something. it was f’d up. but I realized since my uncle showed so much love for me, another piece to the puzzle was convincing myself that everyone who loves me, wouldn’t if I did something terrible, and that was almost comforting, because then I’d be alone and not vulnerable. Love scared me because I was vulnerable. My therapist mentioned that it’s posible I might have been sexually abused as a child, but I have no real memory of any such thing. I just knew random things would trigger it, and I would find a way to punish myself for it, and she said that has got to stop if I want to move on. I actually had to mentally accept the thoughts for being thoughts and my anxiety, and not detest myself for it. It was harder than you may think. but another part of it, the logical mind in me realized that I had had allowed my brain to create a new pathway in which it was regularly being fired so it was a common reaction. I started saying mantras as per request of my therapist- like “I am a good person” everytime I had a disturbing thought, or try to become present within the moment, because I was off in my head. I would pull on my ear or use my peropheral vision to get in the moment and snap out of it. These things were helping, but only very temporarily because I still personalized, and felt like since I didn’t feel comfortable that people I loved would not look at me differently if I told them, the beat went on.
I found I was staying in a emotionally abusive relationship because I thought I deserved it, and thought I would never find anyone who would accept me again and treat me well. I put up with a lot of self punishment., as I realized focusing on those thoughts once they started because I was so detested by them was a way to punish myself for even having them cross my mind. I realized I did not love myself. I detested myself. I started trying to have more compassion- like my therapist did with me, and taking a step outside and not personalizing with the thoughts. I would instantly pull my ear or do something to get me back to the present. I quickly found it was uncomfortable as weird as it may seem to be without the disturbing thoughts. I was like afraid of not knowing what to expect without them. I felt freer, but I felt like the lion that had been chained all it’s life and when let go, I still stood there, frozen, like I was still mentally chained, trying to find some kind of comfort other than what had become my normal mental state. Isn’t that amazing that we can become so used to traumatic negative thoughts running our lives, that we feel lost when we don’t have them? I then started to try to reward myself when I wasn’t having negative thoughts to get myself to be more comfortable in healthy states of minds… like enjoying the present– noticing the beauty in nature, giving myself a mental hug, allowing myself not to be stressed and over anxious for a little while to watch my favorite show when I knew I had 10000000 things to do. I slowly started to create a new pathway in my brain, and I’d notice when something that would normally trigger negative thoughts and disturbing sexual twinges, they were fewer and fewer and very short lived.. then pretty much non existent…I’d see mysef waiting like is it going to happen.. and it wouldn’t and again I felt oddly lost, but then I gave myself a reward and I felt free in a way. Another thing my therapist suggested was since I would seem to have symptoms of ocd when my hand would touch a faucet or keeping the towel straight, to think about why I felt so compelled to have the following impulse behavior, to feel ok about the faucet touching my hand, etc. and I felt like especially drying my hands when one hand was behind the part of the towel I couldn’t see my hand, I was thinking it was wrong because it was distrust of myself to be doing something terrible relating to my thoughts, like certain textures on my hand with lotions or what not would remind me of the way not to be crude again sexual arousal juices like cum or for females the discharge would feel and then I would qucikly and with urgency scrub to get it off becuase I was relating it to my disturbing thoughts and my ultimate fear or not trusting myeslf and actually molesting a girl, when in the present I know I would have enough self control not to. My therapist recommended I face the fear, actually dry my hands with one hand behind, and allow that towel to stay crooked, and when I’d allow it, it would no longer be related to the disturbing and it would just become part of the present. It was hard, but it was also freeing. I also felt like my grandfather was looking down on me from heaven and he would help set me on the right path and take care of me. That feeling of assured love helped me feel stronger. I guess my biggest lessons were to have compassion and not be overly judgemental of yourself.. be honest with yourself. TRY your hardest to let things go and don’t personalize every situation with your identity, and most importantly when battling the disturbing thoughts, live in the present, with what is actually happening in your surroundings-noticing nature, and the beauty in a single second of a butterfly flying around you, and take in the good…even when you don’t think you deserve it. surround yourself with people who show you unconditional love nd don’t put you down and don’t make you feel like theyll only be nice to you if you are perfect, and not love you the next second if you upset them making sure that you are treated the way you should be because you DO deserve to be cared about and be loved. everyone does. we are people. love is the cure to all ills..and it needs to start with yourself. There will always be challenges, but it’s how you face them is key. Our brains are so powerful, we need to have them working for us not against us, so create positive pathways and habits.
Krissy
I can relate to almost all of the people. When I first started getting anxiety and panic attacks the thoughts that came into my mind were horrible. I couldn’t believe I could actually think such things. I was on celexa for a long time and felt it was making my anxiety worse. I have since taking myself off of the celexa and am trying my hardest to deal with and follow what I have learned from this program. I still have bouts of severe anxiety and panic and hope that one day ill be able to accept what I have and get over it for the most part.
Lee
I have using the Panic Away program for about a year and have experienced great results. I was an Army officer (now retired) and the fear of public speaking set back my career. Since then i am able to express myself without fear; this is truly an amazing thing. I have also changed my diet using the Primal Diet and kicked the sugar habit. I believe i am ADHD (never diagnosed) and i believe the high sugar and carbohydrate diet was also responible for the mental fogginess, nervousness, and forgetfullness that was associated with my anxiety. Between Panic Away and the change in diet i am a new person. But, in my ongoing quest for healing and in the spirit of this post i have one more secret i must get out into the open. As a preteen i was sexually abused by older teenage boys. I did things that to this day cause me great shame. I know it was not my fault but the shame still exists. It is my hope that by exposing this in this forum i will begin healing in this area as well. Finally, as a Christian, i belived that God would punish the lost in hell for eternity and due to this belief i lived in fear. What i learned is that God is love and that there is no fear in love, and that Jesus is the savior of the World and that none will be lost. The whole idea of hell is not found in the original Hebrew and Greek manuscripts only inpoor and biased translations. It is my hope that some of you can benefit from my journey. God Bless
jj
I have anxiety problems since young. These days its more like confidence and self esteem problems. I have pro b lems beliveing in myself. I guess it gets worst after knowing I have anxiety problems and it always happens when I dread it the most. I feel even worst. Been trying to do meditation trying to make myself accept myself but finding it real tough. I just want to be able to go out and know people and not always fearing when my hands will start to shake and when my face will staet to twitch.
jj
My phobia started as a very young kid. I was always self conscious and had trouble expressing my true feelings and thinking.. I’m not sure what my specific problem was. In 6th and 7th grade I started to dress like a gang member because my older sister did and I thought that it was cool. I stopped dressing like that by the 8th grade but by then I had no friends. I remember in Jr high school hating lunch time because I had no friends to sit with. I was also embarrassed that my large family lived in an apartment. I made a few friends in high school but my social skills were still lacking. I considered them friends because I had none. But to them I was probably more like an acquaintance. After high school I started to really become self conscious of my small hands, small feet and disproportionate big head. I was also shorter than average. It has affected me so much that I when talking to people or watching people I look at their hands and feet. I am envious of people with beautiful hands and feet. When I talk I am always hiding my hands. I never wear open slippers. At home if other people are around I will wear socks and never be bare foot. From 4 years ago I started to suffer from anxiety attacks. They were infrequent and disappeared after a couple of months. 3 years ago went through a divorce. Experimented with some recreational drugs and alcohol. And had a bad trip one night and I thought that I was going to die. I felt so much guilt and anger for having done something so stupid. And step by step from last year the panic attacks started occurring more frequently and has morphed into what I think is gad and health anxieties. Earlier in my life I could isolate myself and feel a little more at ease and gather my thoughts to relax. But now with anxiety I have no ”comfort” zone. I have started therapy this week and started to feel much better. I hope it continues. Good luck to all of you.
Angie
Hi guys…I’m 45 years old and started having anxiety in 2009 after mom broke her femur bone. I was trying to find a job after being laid off twice and was in school. My family lives 2 hours away and was constantly calling me to come there and help. I started having this horrible pain in my stomach, felt like trapped gas. It was and still is continuous. It vanished after 3 weeks and felt fine. In 6 months it returned and I could no longer focus at school and felt like I couldn’t breathe normally. My dad passed away and it got worse. I didn’t work or do much at all for 3 years. I finally decided to do Yoga and my coach made me promise to get a job. I did and am feeling some better. My mom passed away a few months ago and I have been recently diagnosed with diabetes. This has taken a major toll on me. I have always been strong and healthy. I am a very cautious eater. I’m not sure what to make of it. I am depressed how things have turned out, but I have a great husband and friends to be thankful for. My question is, does any one have the same symptoms as me with the trapped gas feeling? I have seen very good specialists. I keep telling myself it is anxious thoughts. I too, am scared I am dying. Life is too short to be worrying all the time. I have also been diagnosed with OCD and severe generalized anxiety. I think going back to work is helping me. Staying isolated only made my mind stray further. If you suffer constantly like me…Try a hobbie, volunteer or work. You will still feel bad, but I think it will help with the healing process. It also keeps me focused. Make sure it is stress free!!! We have trained our minds and bodies that this is a normal way to function. We have to re train. That is the path I am trying to take…drug free too! Good luck to us all and I am praying for each of us.
Greg
These stories are my story. There’s rarely a moment goes by that I’m not battling dread, shame or despair. I too often think of suicide but I know I can’t go through with it. Being tense and afraid has become so normal that it’s a shock to hear other people feel the same way and that it’s unbearable for them. It makes me realize how unbearable it really is for me and how long I’ve been trying to live with something that I really can’t live with.
jen
so many sad stories… I too have lived with anxiety for a long time, since about 8 or 9 when i was constantly sent home from school with mystery pains in the stomach… anxiety! now 55 i feel i have been through the worst of it.
like others, did not want to take anti depressants instead turned to therapy to deal with the underlying issues, but it seems that they are a bottomless pit. In the end a mixture of therapy and meds helped me reclaim my life.
at my worst, i remember pacing the floor all night, fighting the desire to kill my children because I was convinced it was more humane then having them inheriting this woeful condition… it frightened me so much I admitted my self to hospital in the morning and was started was mirtazapine. I slept for 3 days straight !!!. That was 10years ago. I am now off the meds.
I still struggle with eating out in social gathering, flying and any major changes to my routine, but my life is good, I have a small but good handful of friends, a great relationship with my kids and a rewarding job…. I often look at others and wish that I could do things as easily as they do, but I know I have other strengths and qualities that they don’t. After all it would be a boring world if we where all the same 🙂
A.Grob
I had a promotion some three years ago which I think trigerred my anxiety and panic attacks. It first started with having new feelings in my body which were not comfortable at all such as body trembling, upset stomach and not able to eat, tight throat and suffering in breathing, insomnia. I usually sleep at night but I wake up very early in the morning with thoughts about work which then tend to go into thoughts about if I die and how will my family (wife and 2 children) cope and other thoughts which restart the panic attack. The morning is the worst period in the day and much of the time I am really upset while going to work. I work also part-time in another place but I don’t feel like this while going there. Deep down I feel that the anxiety is caused by the environment at work where no much help is given by others when sought and also the thought of my boss which has never done soething wrong to me but she is a really demanding person on work. The only thing that I don’t like about her is that sometimes she tells me something and when we talk again the next time she says she did’t say these things. I have been off from anxiety for a period of time but I had a relapse some weeks ago and I’m going through it right now. I wish I can find a job where I am comfortable in order to go back to normal but it’s difficult to find another job with a similar pay as I have right now. I hope that I can win this situation and come back to normal so to restart enjoying life…..
Jamaludin
Thank you Barrry…
Jamaludin
Since i receive your guide about anxiety and panic attack, i become better now. I have suffer since year 1980. thank you Bary.
Andreas
The mother on the phone suffers from OCD Pure O, which is something I have as well. It would be good for her if she would get diagnosed, because once you realise that those thoughts (which lead to anxiety) are generated because of a biochemical misfire, it because easier to accept. And that can lead down the road of recovery.
James
Being a professional athlete my whole life. Anxiety was my fuel to play hard and fast. I knew there was something wrong but when you are young and the doctors tell you that you are ok you never think about it. I would have rapid heart beats and emotional swings at times. I had got to the point whenever I felt down I would lay down and eat something. I would feel better the next 15 or 20 minutes. Then when I got older I really started feeling the symptoms.Having been a constant worrier that didn’t help at all either. I always had thought roaming in my head bouncing around with no meaning. The one Incident that brought anxiety out was the death of my friend. I spent about 2 weeks just thinking about his death. He passed away with a heart attack. What a scare for me. I spent 2 weeks straight thinking the same was going to happen to me. The sensations began to take over my body and every time a sensation came through my body I thought that’s what was happening to me. So I became sensitized and then the Fear of Fear began and took me for a tail spin.It takes patience to deal with such a dreaded behavioral situation. Understanding starts the whole healing process. Everything else follows. A point of view gives you even more power.
Patricia
Hi Barry, and hi every one else that make my day!
Thanks for this. Makes me happy when I recieve these helpful emails from you. I have Rocd (and some hormon problems), which one of my psychologists didn’t agree with. This makes things a little worse at times, since in all the stress and anxiety I no longer know if I suffer from Rocd or if it’s real. However, I don’t need to know or put a name to what I have. I am human. I have learnt to just hold on and float by. Just let the clouds be there, either they are white or gray. Think of the positive things. Find your self confidence again by writing down 3 good deeds per day and keep believing in yourself. The more positiveness, the less negativeness. However, everyone battles with these two sides. Try feeding the better one more. You’ll thank yourself later, even if results don’t show right away. Always forgive yourself for the little stepbacks and mistakes you daily might do. There is Always room for improving and rebuilding. Follow your insticts when times are rough and trust that life will help you find your way out. Cause it will, but your inner respectfulness must follow through.
I’ll finish my post with this beautiful song lyrics from “Little talks” by Of Monsters and Men:
‘Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore
Jodie
wow, this helped me on a day l really needed it. I have battled anxiety since my teens having slowly lost my hearing. l tried to hide being hearing impaired from everyone at school causing me a great deal of anxiety. I am now very open about it & accepted that l am deaf which has helped a great deal. My worst anxiety came when my first child was 3 and l almost lost all the hearing in my ear. I started having panic attacks and obsessive thoughts that upset me and l became depressed. I have come a long way since but the anxiety rears its ugly head at times, and l am currently going through a rough patch at the moment with a hell of a lot of anxiety. To read that l am “normal” was just what i needed today thankyou Barry!!!
I will use his advice & also the help of Holosync technology (meditation) l would recommend this to anybody wanting to help deal with depression or anxiety. Thanks, l will re read these stories everytime l doubt myself!! its helpful knowing we are not alone in dealing with anxiety!
Michael
Hi, I’v been suffering from anxiety for bout 26year. And have learned quite a lot on the journey to date.
The main thing is that I have a very active imagination. So active that I sometimes still believe it.
Laty its tellinv me that if I get a ferry a sea monsted will attack it while I’m onboardor I’ll lose control
and jump overboarx. Utterly ridicilous I know, but beliveable and stuck in my mind at the same time
so just gonna ingore it like the 100s of other crap thoughts I get a day.
Linda @ 10:06 am
Hi Barry
I have been listening to everyone’s comments regarding their personal experiences with Anxiety. I ordered your program because I have a dear friend that has been plagued with anxiety for 10 years. he self medicated on alchol and andother habit forming drug. he cannot live or function for anxiety. it has put him ina box and he has sealed it off. He will only allow certain people in as I am one of them and his family. He is the most wonderful person but always puts us ona shelf and takes us out depending on his need. He has alot of guilt and shame and seems to find negative thoughts after any time we spend together. He then locks himself away and days will pass until you hear from him. he always says he doesn’t feel good and will get with us when he feels better. He will only let us in when he is medicated. He has spent alot of money trying to rid himself of this anxiety and now has decided that he will self medicate with beer. He has put himself on a schedule of days he will drink-then the day after he is deathy ill-very very sick in bed! he will then emerge looking bad, but trying to function. he told me he had a sexual phobia. he is crazy about me and loves his family but is always feeling guilty or hostile towards us. He wants a life but cannot see any way to move forward. He says he has no hope and that now only God can help him. We all love and cherish him and try to help but he takes it as manipulation or other negative thoughts. I know he cannot possible believe this! He has been to 3 or 4 rehab places and can’t seem to stay straight. We have begged and pleaded to save his life. The prospect of moving forward is stressful and he says he is afraid but wants to more than anything. Often we have to step back from his space as he is feeling such anxiety. he has trouble finding his words at this time. If anyone out there knows what to do or anything that will help. I felt like the sexual phobia he shared with me has alot to do with his problem and that some traumatic event has lead to this. he was very abused a a child by his father but I wonder if there was another horror locked deep away.This man is so smart and has a degree in electrical engineering from penn State. he has lost his job and just about everythign except this little world he is trying to exist in. Please help as I love him and feel I am getting sick too. His faily loves him but seems they are just accepting it now as he has been like this a lobg time. I believe God has put me here for areason and I am making some progress but then the constant anxiety takes over and won’t leave ever. What in the world to do? I cannot leave him and he limits the association with everyone and dissaponts us all the time. Help! may God bless all of you and me too as we work to understand and find an answer.
Rev
Hello
I Did the panic a way program and it helped me a lot, for now I still have negative thoughts and I do fell shame a bout them, I’m sharing with people that I love and trust about those thoughts, but still I wish that the thoughts will not be there. in the beginning those thoughts could make me fell so so anxious and depressed I was thinking that this is it I will never be normal again!!! slowly I have study that those are just thoughts, they are still there but less strong, I still wishing that they will go forever because it’s still causing me shame, stress and feeling not good with them. Sometimes I think this is not normal, and who want’s to be with me with such a thing going on inside of me. When Barry says that this is normal and happen to many people, and that it is part of anxiety, it’s making me feel more peaceful, But still I do afraid from those thought from time to time, sometimes I feel those thought have power, although I have to say it is much less. Will those thought will be gone one day, just the way they came? is it possible? I will be happy to know. Thank you so much and all the best for everybody – Those are just thoughts 🙂 I don’t believe them 🙂 I’m doing my best to transform.
AKP
I don’t want to write because of 2 reasons. Firstly I don’t have the energy as I feel very depressed and secondly I am not a good writer. But anyway I will give it a try! I m 40 years old man living in some part of Asis. My life is a mess. I belong to a family where my father would redicule, insult & degrade me in front of everyone from the very early years of my life which resulted in me having extremely low self esteem.He use to work in a bank where he made fortune but lost lot of money when he resigned and did business. My mother has been bipolor since long time too. She has her moods and on a good mood she will be generous like a queen but on a bad mood she will torture u to death with harsh words. So when I got 17 years old my father told me that I have to go to US to study and I was really excited that I will have fun there and study and when I come back I will do some kind of business with my Dads money. Cool Huh. Yes for a while. U can sum it as I received my share of happiness in life a lot of it in very short span of time and later it was a disaster.
Well when I was in college in US my mother showed me a girl on my 3rd year which is sort of arranged marriage type of system here for marriage. She thought I would marry a foreigner and it will be hard for each others family to adjust. When I came to my city for vacation I thought she is soo beautiful and we proposed her and she and her family accepted the proposal. Now in this world the only thing I can think of is her. Even the thought of her makes my mood high. Here I am ugly looking guy, that is my thinking and here this most beautiful girl is going to be my wife. Am I dreaming. Of God I love u. Now the only thing I wanted to do is to marry her when I graduate. I have made no professional goals or anything. So we got married when I came back. Unbelievable oh yes. But life was bad of roses for me for just 18 months. She and me argued on small stuff. She was more liberal then me but I said I will give her the liberty to do whatever she wanted to do career wise. I always had this feeling I like her more then anything but she thinks of me as just ok guy. But in our society the divorce is considered a very bad thing specially for a women. I never thought in my dreams that she will ask for a divorce.
Oh no, she wants divorce, I tried to convinced to give me another chance but she has already made up her mind and nothing will change it now.
Now the day of judgement came before my death. I was forced to sign the divorce papers against my will. Now the hands started to shiver, I could see my life ending. Now how could I motivate myself to do so. So a played a game with my mind. I told him u have 2 choices either u divorce her and marry again or u have cancer and u will die in 1 month. Now it seemed easy for me to sign I signed it.
Oh the world has come to an end.
The next moring my tears would not stop and and had a nervous break down.
Then came PANIc Attack and depression.
Now the roller coaster ride starts.
I got married the next year so that I forget her but in vain. I have 3 lovely kids but my life is a mess.
My mind is my enemy. Wherever I go I m restless and anxious. I can’t drive alone and I cant fly.
I take anti-depressants, mood stabilzer and anti anxiety medicine since 13 years but not much positive result. I have done many things to get metter but my mind controls everything and is not my friend.
I know I will never get better, but I just hope that I am good husband and a father and a son and brother. I don’t want anyone to be hurt with my harsh words.
Everything seems so unreal. Why me???
I got my share of good and bad and the ugly?
Lets see where life takes me.
My advise for people who r suffering too from my experience I have learnt that. Try to respect whatever u have and always thank God. Life may be a Misery now but it will not last forever.
Sometimes I tell my heart u want to break-down go ahead lets see who is stronger. But when I get palpitations I give up. u r the BoSS
sandy
I started having serious panic attacks about 3 years ago. The first one I had, I was not sure what it was. I just got so nervous, breathing quickly, afraid, and feeling like I had to get away from everyone and just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. They were bad, but few and far between and happened mostly at times with my family, who I love dearly. They often happened at major family events, like a graduation or birthday celebration. Last summer, I had a few in succession, one while on vacation. Early fall, I had one that just never ended and lasted for most of 3 months. They were always worst in the morning and went away as the day went on. I took a leave of absence from work and was afraid I would lose my job, but that turned out ok. I started taking Lexapro and would take small doses of Xanax when I really needed it. I also started therapy and saw a naturopathic doctor, who put me on supplements to help with some imbalances. I worked on breathing and relaxation techniques and took long walks. I delved more deeply into my faith, studied and prayed often, as I do believe that we can be “transformed by the renewing of our mind.” At the end of the 3 months, I was feeling much better and was able to go back to work. I have been doing well, but do have times when the attacks come back. Again, usually due to some family trigger or such event or due to stress at work. When they come, they usually take about 4-5 days to completely resolve. During that time, I usually just want to sleep or rest in some way and keep to myself.
I find it most difficult when this happens to turn the tide of my thoughts. I feel “disconnected” from people and life in general and afraid or put off by the most innane of things…like a smell, an old tv show, children playing, a song….very random and seemingly simple things can trigger an ill at ease feeling that is similar to a panic attack. I am constantly analyzing my thoughts and trying to figure out why these things set off the feelings that they do, as they make no sense.
I mainly worry that every time I go thru this, it may not go away. I have a dear friend who has suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, has been hospitalized and lost most of her family due to it. I worry that is how I will end up. I worry that my family and friends will get sick of me not attending events, not being normal, will be afraid to share problems and concerns with me because I may not be able to handle it like a normal mom, daughter, wife, sister or friend. Because the attacks are many times triggered by family or social commitments, I think there is something wrong with me and my relationship to my children and the people I care about and love. That thought, if it were true, makes me feel saddest of all. I am in anxiety mode right now, and have been for about 5 days. I will keep working on this issue and not let it get the best of me because I am determined for it to go, and stay, away and give me back my life. It makes me question who I am, as I have always been easy going, happy, optimistic, outgoing and fun. This is not who I am or who God made me to be.
Sue
Hi, I have had anxiety attacks that have escalated and deflated for the last 15years,intrusive unwanted thoughts have occurred at times. This last year I have tried using my imagination to dissolve these images and it seems to be working. I visualise a wave at the beach coming in and washing the intrusive thought away. Every time it comes I’d imagine the wave immediately after. Now those thoughts barely occur. Fear is generated through our imagination of the future. Try turning your imagination to work with you and not against you.
Mike
I only recently had my first very brief of what I guess could be called a panic attack. It only lasted a few minutes during a dentist visit. But what I have been having for the last month regularly are intrusive thoughts which severely stressed me more in the beginning because I thought I would lose control and had no idea where they were coming from. I found exercise and yoga helped and also discovering that these thoughts are normal and I was to the only one who has them. I’m still dealing with them but the shame I feel about having them is hard to deal with since I did not tell my wife, since she is the one they normally revolve around. Since she is my entire world the thought of anything bad happening to her is stressful but a million times more so with these thoughts. I’m a calm, leveled head, peaceful person so these thoughts are the exact opposite of who I am. I will try the steps on the site and hopefully they will help.
Sue
Hi,
I have had Panic Attack for 30 Years it got better over the Years then about 3 years ago it came back, I wasn’t good I also ended a 20 Year relationship that didn’t help, I got in contact with Panic away and Barry has help me not completely but I feel and learned a lot from Barry Thank You.
I think differently like I’m not the only 1 out there and that I am Normal I’m not going Mad. I also have these bad Thoughts I never had them before they only started last year so I was really upset about that but I trying to NOT give up. It’s true you keep to yourself as you don’t want to tell people as you think they will think you are MAD but thats not the case I’m lucky I have a supportive Family that Helps.
One of the things that I really find hard to do is driving by myself I just can’t do it,some days I can go further and other days I can’t I need to have someone with me that also knows how to drive otherwise I won’t drive them does anyone have any suggestions or have been throught that and are ok to drive by themself.
I just want to say we are NOT alone so hang in there we are NORMAL.
Thank You so much Barry.
Kind Regards
Sue
Max
I fear making a fool in front of people. I try to hold myself together all the time and I think they can read my thoughts. When i first got some counselling the ttherapist scared me by talking bout admitting me etc to a hospital i knew i wasnt that bad at the time but her just putting that thought into my head about harming myself started off these scary thoughts….. I get thoughts of ,,,,oh you are just so useless you can’t handle this just go and kill yourself etc. I know this isn’t me because I love my family and am a Christian and would never do this.its just I feel emmense shame for even thinking this now for writing it down…..I tr to answer these thoughts back but my mind just gets in turmoil..I know it’s the anxiety fuelling this and Exhaustion from fighting…I tell myself it’s just the enemy ie anxiety attacking me….if any of this makes sense….it’s shame for my thoughts then the fear of them happening…phew glad I got this down.
Des@ 7.01pm
I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. As a child I was raised in a very violent environment where abuse and neglect were a normal part of every day life. I Iearned very early in life that in order for me to survive I would need to be a people pleaser. I was constantly living in fear everyday. As an adult life did not improve much I tended to meet partners who were abusive and controlling I was often worrying about being embarressed or abused in front of people like neighbours, friends, family and I was. At this stage in my life I started suffering from panic attacks. Losing my mum also contributed to this condition having to watch her suffer and die braught tremendous fear and anxiety to my life. I’m very protective over my family. My children are not aloud to walk anywhere on their own or at night and they are teenagers. I do not trust anyone around my family and I always seem to see the negative side to people. I notice everyones faults straight away and this is how I think people see me. My panic attacks occur when i’m in a large group senario and everyone is staring at me waiting for a reply. I rarely speak my mind and when I do I feel embarressed to do so. I am afraid of being afraid. When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful attractive face staring back at me but inside I feel ugly. One day I got sick and my husband was taking me to the doctor on the way to the hospital I had a panic attack because I thought I couldn’t breath I had the phlu and
my breathing was affected slightly but I imagined my airways were blocked and I started feeling light headed. It’s the scariest feeling ive ever had I almost fainted. I have phobia’s because of my panic attacks which are spiders and heights. I would just like to say thank you to Barry for helping me with your program just from the first lot of info you gave me has put my attacks to rest but I intend to do the entire programme eventually. Thanks so much.
Trish
well really where do I start?
I feel as if I start im not going to stop. Thinking about it is making me very upset.
well here goes.
Im afraid that I might have a heart attack that my new born will be home alone with no one here to look after them, That my partner is going to walk in the door with him screaming there heads off, because I cant help him, That my daughter will be waiting at the bus stop wondering where I am and I’m passed out or dead on the floor with no one around, See we moved away from out town not long ago and now we are 32 km away from the closest hospital, so I feel if something was to happen no one would get here in time. and my kids will have to suffer. I feel trapped like I cant go anywhere, That everything has a time limit, from leaving to town for doc appointments to having to leave town a certain time to get before the school bus comes. I don’t well free!!!!
Im so afraid that something is going to happen and I wont be here for them, Im not afraid of death but im afraid of this, How does that work? If my X is going to come and take my daughter and kill me and my new born. silly I know but that’s it and the imagers are very graphic.
Im afraid of what I eat how I eat it. If I can have that and if I do will I die? So on
I just want my life back with no worries to be the mum I use to be, MY partner keeps telling me that I will get better that my mind will stop think all this. But when u feel like this its so hard to look at the bright side. and then when u get a little bit of sun shine u wonder what was wrong with u why u thought u were having a heart attack when ur heart still beating and you’ve had all that tests ect.
Im starting to think that maybe if I kill myself my family will be better off and ill be happier because I wont have this anymore, but if I do that I wont be able to hug and kiss my kids at night tell them how much I love them and tell my partner how much he means to me.
Jessica
I have been struggling with anxiety for the past 5 years. This last year has been the most difficult for me. I have a very difficult relationship with my Father which I think aids my general anxiety. I never really feel good enough. This last year i went for my dreams regardless of everything I was going through. Looking back I may have put too much on my plate. I landed my dream job and married the man I have been with for the past 8 years. This year I had to quit my dream job because the anxiety became too much to handle. I found it difficult to leave my house. I also became a pill popper. Even though my husband is supportive I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel like he deserves so much better. I have read endless self-help books, and have been prescribed all sorts of medications for anxiety and depression in addition I take all kinds of vitamins. Last year I found comfort in the idea of death, the idea of finally being free from this constant free. As of now, I plan to continue to fight this daily battle and so look forward to the day that I brake free from these chains. To those fellow sufferers you are in my thoughts and Prayers. Never give up- the light is out there some where.