Unmasking the shame of anxiety
I got a call from a woman the other day who wanted to talk about her panic attacks and general anxiety. She is in her early thirties and lives with her husband and kids in a small town.
She told me how anxiety and panic attacks were destroying her quality of life and everyday was turning into a pitch battle.
She used to travel all around the world for work, but today she finds it hard to step out the front door for fear of having a panic attack. She has two small kids and they have needs to be met. She has to get over this for their sake. That’s why we are are talking.
I asked her if she had told anyone else about anxiety problem besides her husband and doctor.
She explained that she had let a few friends know, but in general she kept it to herself, fearing others might start to gossip about it behind her back. I then asked her what it was that really troubled her the most about her anxiety.
She got a little irritated and said “haven’t you been listening to me? I cant leave my home because of this and I have kids to look after. What could be worse than that?”
“No, I get that”, I said “but what REALLY troubles you about your anxiety?”
There was a long silence. Then after a moment she said, “not leaving home is just the half of it, the other stuff I could never admit to anyone, -I am too ashamed of it”
“Well try me” I said “I am pretty much a stranger to you and I don’t imagine we will ever meet in person. You have nothing to lose.”
“Okay…so deep down I fear I am losing my mind. Like I am losing touch with reality. I am not present with my children because I am the whole time thinking about how I am thinking, if that makes any sense?”
“Sometimes I have such disturbing anxious thoughts of a sexual or violent nature that I truly shock myself” she said as her voice broke with emotion.
Then another brief silence…
“Random ideas flash across my mind that only a deranged person would think of…”
“For example?” I asked
“Well, just this morning, I was feeding my little girl and I had this violent thought come to mind. It disturbed me so much I had stop feeding her and lock myself in the bath room for five minutes because I was shaking so much. I mean what kind of mother would think such a thing?”
“I am so ashamed and scared of myself. I would never act on these thoughts but how could I even think them in the first place! That’s what really upsets me the most, I feel I have no control over it”
“So I bet you think I am nuts right?”
“No not at all”, I said, “in fact I think you are perfectly normal. You are a sane normal person suffering from an overly anxious mind mixed with exhaustion and an active imagination. It is perfectly normal. It is not one bit pleasant but it is normal”
I told her that people can often admit to their doctor or close friends about the panic attacks or general anxiety, but they rarely admit to the things that really upset them the most about their anxiety. They hide their greatest fear so deep and suffer in silence because they fear being told they have a real serious problem.
It is normal for example, for such people to be afraid to pick up a kitchen knife in case they go nuts and stab someone.
Or they get anxious at times behind the wheel of a car, for fear of swerving uncontrollably into coming traffic.
Or they hate to stand on a balcony in case they suddenly decide to jump off it.
What these people do not realize is that what they are going through is much more common than they think. These intrusive thoughts are fueled by a cocktail of high anxiety, exhaustion and an overactive imagination. A lot of people suffer from them (even people you know) but they would never admit it. These type of thoughts come with a feeling of deep shame for even having such thoughts in the first place.
In order to end shame you have to unmask it.
You have to admit it first clearly to yourself. You need to be clear in your own mind about what it is that you could never admit to another. Then the healing can occur.
If this is applicable to you and your anxiety, then post anonymously (or with your first name) about it below. When you start to unmask this shame it lessens it’s power over you.
Posting your story will also help others to open up about their own story. So much of getting over all anxiety is about learning to normalize what feels totally abnormal. When you normalize anxiety you drop your resistance to it and that in turn releases the inner tension you feel around it.
If you do not want to post about it, then at least write it down on paper somewhere and expose it to the light of day.
Unmask it now so in time you can gracefully let it go.
Barry
P.S comments posted below are moderated and will take 24 hours or more to appear on the site.
JR
I identify a lot with the story. I am very imaginative, very visual, and have been afflicted by a a number of free floating fears, which lead to panic. Like everyone else, these are things I would never, ever do, and am mortified by the very thoughts coming into my head. Interestingly, the fears don’t fixate on one thing, but are rather free floating. It might be what if I steer into another car? thought one time, what if I stick my finger in an electrical socket the next, or what if I just start staring at the sun and blind myself the next. It could be anything, rather than just one, or a few, things. I can trace all of these back to romantic upheavals, including a divorce many years ago that was unwanted. Thankfully, I have been married to a very solid, caring wife now for 25 years, so that has been a blessing. I particularly had problems in closed public transport – usually airplanes, but could be a ferry, train, etc. What if I panicked and had to get out? Until I learned that airplanes had plugged doors, and due to air pressure inside, you CANNOT get out, I used to imagine bolting for the door, jumping out, and then thinking all the way down to my Wile E. Coyote puff of smoke that I wish I hadn’t done this! The complete vivid imagination thing. I was particularly plagued by feelings of unreality, of which I was very ashamed, and which I found very frightening. Probably traceable back to some experimentation with drugs decades ago (very minor, but still very unpleasant – mostly marijuana, but had several very, very frightful experiences with it). My experience is that the panic feelings (particlarly flying) did NOT abate, but stayed elevated for a whole flight – or so it seemed. So, once again, I was abnormal even within my abnormality! So I am working with your programme, the 21-7 thing, and seeing how it works. I have also realized that this fear of death and panic – localized to the situations above – is really nothing different than sometimes feeling the exact same feelings while sitting on my couch at home. I.e., feeling unreality when under stress while at home is no different – and portends nothing more – than when I have that same feeling while flying. Usually, of course, the issue is with flying, as they don’t ask you to take a train across the country! One thing that is actually helpful is that I have ADD, so I often lose track of what I’m experiencing fear about! There is definitely nothing medically wrong, and even above that, I am at my correct weight, exercise regularly, etc. So, that is my “confession” about my fears and panic history even if only virtual! I have been dealing with this for 35 years as well, so hopefully your programme will be of help.
Joachim
For me it is the shame of having those terrible thoughts, they just shouldn’t be in my mind in the first place. I’m just like the woman in the story, thinking that those thoughts truly mean i have a serious problem in mental health. I also have kids and that’s why my fear is also that I am there, but I am not there present every day and hence I sort of “miss out” on those special moments. I really hate doing this to myself! I think i have just that kind of over anxious mind plus that it is exhausted. I can see myself of having also way too vivid imagination…. Horrible…
notreallycrazy
I’ve had panic attacks and social anxiety my whole life, though it was first misdiagnosed as ADD, and I was never prescribed any medication or long term coping strategies other than simple grounding exercises, for dealing with it. I think my first such attack was in Kindergarten or 1st grade, when I got so nervous about my parents visiting my school for parent-teacher day that I was a total basketcase. While very smart and a very good student, I would never bring any graded papers home to show my parents, and they were mostly As! Despite a general social anxiety, I still found friends, or should I say, they found me. But over the years the anxiety kept creeping up on me at the wrong moments, like when good friends wanted to go biking or play football with me, and I hid in the house, thinking they were “making fun of me” because I was different. I didn’t have a girlfriend until the summer of my 16th birthday, and I was a virgin until my freshman year of college. I’ve had multiple relationships, though each one has gone south because of a combination of my anxiety and the anxiety of my girlfriend. I’ve learned that two people with GAD together, plus alcohol, are a very bad mix.
I’ve finally realized that I need to get a handle on my anxiety and panic attacks (I’ve been having them more and more lately), if I’m going to commit to any relationship going forward.
tryingnottobecrazy
I just recently started with anxiety and panic attacks. I think the worse was in the beginning when I’d feel the tightness in my chest and worry about the breathing and have to go in the hallway to just literally sit there and breathe and feel shaky. I have been having trouble sleeping cuz I think I have anxiety about sleeping…like I’m gonna do something stupid or stab someone or myself out of sheer madness or not being awake or in control.(I removed the scissors from my room just for fear of that) I sleep for some hours, some minutes and still have dreams tho during those few minutes of drifting off. I worry about stupid stuff, like that I’m gonna loose it, everyday feels foggy, weird and bad thoughts enter my mind, ones that I dont think I’d ever do or know to be true but thats the hard part is convincing myself that it’s just some crazy thought. I have fear of medication, like its gonna drive me to do crazy things as well but I gotta take it and keep reminding myself its basically, to help me relax, to not overthink things. It all started mainly after talking to an ex again and work is and has always been stressful(fast food) so i think thats what makes me feel so worked up, so over imaginative. I wanna get better and hopefully taking these meds, talking to a therapist and just keep moving forward would help!
Cris
I have Always had anxiety. So I can totally relate, as I’ve had just about every symptom discussed here. I had a good therapist tell me that the thoughts are just thoughts. as long as you know you’d never ever act on them the have no power over you. So if you’re having crazy violent thoughts, it’s just a thought let it go. When you accept that your mind’s just running rampant & you’d never act on the thoughts, they loose their shock value & you’ll find they go away. Thoughts about dying illness, making people mad at me, paranoia & the like are what bother me. I’m working on the process of relaxing, breathing and telling the thought that they’re ok to be with me. Not letting myself panic over them, just accepting those too,( like the ones above) are just my mind playing tricks. In meditation they call it having monkey mind. I think that’s a good name for it. But the random you’re gonna die or get into trouble, nobody really likes you, you’ve made a fool of yourself and everybody knows it , maybe you have a brain tumor, or brain damage even, then they’ll take you a asylum and your kids will be taken away! thoughts are harder for me. I know I go to extremes to do the right thing, would never try to hurt anyone, or commit a crime, but I know things happen too.So it’s not so easy to get rid of thoughts like those.That’s why i’m learning about PanicAway. It helps so much to know i’m not the only one & that it’s all normal when you have anxiety. Normal in a crazy sort of way lol. But we’re on the right track talking about it here. If we keep trying to find out how to stop these feelings from freaking us out & making us feel crazy we will be able to recover and it will be life changing. Hang in there everyone.
Drp
My biggest fear that I’m ashamed of is having such a bad panic attack that It will make my heart race so fast ill die of a heart attack. I oicture myself at stores with my daughters freaking out and dying in front of their eyes. I also picture myself being found at home on the ground while my kids are by themselves. In scared in going to die and leave my family. I get scared to go to the gym and run
Colin
I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for about 1.5 years now. I am a junior in college. The anxiety is so dibillitating that I prefer not to even leave my dorm room unless I have to. My worst fear – that no one will understand – is my fear of falling into the sky. This is the be all end all for me – the reason I can’t win. And how can you expose yourself to a fear like this?
Syd
Thanks to everyone for sharing your darkest thoughts. I am not alone. We’re all together in this, from all across the globe! What a great article! I have suffered from anxiety for 25 years. I’m 40. When faced with a particularly panic-provoking situation I get by using Rescue Remedy. The only problem is people treat me like an alpha male only to be disappointed when they finally see the real, more uncertain and sometimes downright panicky me. That dichotomy often pulls me down into a depressive, hopeless state from where I constantly need to build myself back up. All of this is tiring. However, the biggest challenge (and what Id like to confess to you all today) was when I started getting obtrusive thoughts which I’ve never shared in full. The first was an overwhelming thought that I was going to murder my young daughter. It was so compelling I packed our bags and drove for hours to get away from the house. And then the thoughts became a fear of raping or molesting my other kids. I thought, for sure, that I needed to end my own life for their sakes. Until late one night when going to bed I just so happened to hear a psychologist talking on the radio about these symptoms and she said that the kinds of people who have these obsessive thoughts are the least likely to enact them. Those words changed my life – maybe I’m not becoming the weirdo I thought I was. To cut a long story short, I still have anxiety and obsessive thoughts from time to time BUT Ive learnt they’re just thoughts AND like all thoughts they come and go. Sure they’re aweful and painful to be part of but I’ve learnt to acknowledge them then let them go. I urge anyone experiencing these shameful events NOT to spend the rest of the day, week or month analysing why you’re having them and what the implications might be for you and yours. I resolved to just label them as truly messed up when they occurred then remember what I love (or loved) about my personality when healthy and move on. Now they dont trouble me and they very rarely occur. Those thoughts can taunt you but give them NO power – it’s just a damn thought – and thoughts go away! Love to all of you. I also have found deep breathing and CBT every morning a great way to free my mind of limiting anxious thoughts.
Albert
okay so this is what I am ashamed of. When I am surrounded by people, sometimes i get anxious and my stomach area feels tight. It makes it hard to breathe. I have improved so much with this after learning to accept it and let it be there. However, whenever i have to eat with other people,even my family, i feel anxious. Eating gets uncomfortable, sometimes i fear swallowing or choking, or make others worry, and make a scene. I really really don’t want to do anything embarrassing.
For this reason, i avoid dates, i try to avoid eating out. But when someone tells me to go, I do my best to go. But regarding dates, i am so scared to feel uncomfortable, specially if we go eat. I already feel nervous for being on a date, plus the embarassment……no thanx…..
I have never admitted this to anyone, but NOW i shared it with you all……can anyone relate to this. 🙁
notreallycrazy
Yes, Albert, we can relate. Traditional dates suck for anxious minds, which is why I don’t go on them anymore. If you keep everything as casual as possible, such as meeting for a cup of coffee, you won’t see it as a date as much as meeting a friend to chat, and your anxiety won’t screw with your head. It also helps to meet other people that are similarly anxious types.
notreallycrazy
Wondering how many out there who have GAD and panic attacks are sensitive to other peoples’ feelings, ie empathic. I know a lot of people don’t believe in being empathic, but I’ve recently discovered my ability to “feel” what other people are thinking, and I think there’s a link to being sensitive to others and being anxious. It’s kind of a double edged sword, if you will. Feeling the emotions of others, especially other anxious minds, can make one’s own anxieties heighten.
marcos
I actually had the same thing happen to me as the girl on the in this article but the thoughts were towards my mother and I thought I was going crazy because I love my mom and I am not that type of person.
I have never admitted this to anyone, but after I read this I haven’t had anymore of those thoughts.
karen
Hi,i have really bad panic/anxious attacks.I was in a very mentally abusive relationship for 15years.the last 3 years I am by myself .Im afraid to date or be in a serious relationship for fear of not being good enough.i live alone have no friends.I don’t go out at all except to go to work or the store.When I drive my hands get so numb I can hardly hold the wheel.ive had thoughts of pulling in front of a truck,which scare me to where im getting afraid to drive.I feel I could never live up to anybody expectations.My father wants nothing to do with me.I have no family near.Im trying to think positive and venture out alittle more.its so hard .I cry so much .I really think im loosing my mind.Some days im wonderful,then all of a sudden im in such a dark place ..Its really over taken my life..thank you for letting me voice my story,,there is much more to it but it helps to tell my little part .:)
jen
hey “notreallyrazy”octoer 18. I have to agree with you 100% it has certainly been my experience. I often express other peoples feelings for them. I remember once hugging a friend of mine and then busting into tears. she later told me that her sister had attempted suicide recently. that is one of many experiences i have had with empathy. I do try to stand back and recognize that a lot of my anxiety does not really belong to… with the world the way it is and society’s messages are mostly fear based, its no wonder anxiety is so widespread. jen
notreallycrazy
Thanks for your response, Jen. Being a sensitive male is especially tough, with all the stereotypes that only women are allowed to be sensitive to other’s feelings.
jen
yes you are correct “notreallycrazy” sensitivity is supposed to be the females domain, not sure why that is, I suppose, in the past men had to harden themselves so they could get on with the job of protecting. i wait patiently for the time when we will recognize and appreciate the energetic connections between all life. a great doco “what the bleep do we know” is a great way that science is recognizing and sharing this. One day this knowledge will be mainstream and what we experience as anxiety and deemed negative is actually be our way of interpreting what is going on an energetic level.
there is a place for everyone, find yourself like minded ppl. good luck xx
Rahmi Fajriah
OMG, everyone here, can i hug you ALL? :’)
reading all your stories enlighten my burden, finding out that i am not alone. that anxiety and panic disorder are real, common, that i have many boat-fellows from different side of globes [hello, i am ammy, 24, from indonesia^^]. be strong, keep holding on, dearests, we can get through this, no matter how long have we been carrying it *tight hugs
and to Barry, i want to hug you tightest. how could you write down this article like writing down secret i always thought darkest? i never even told my therapists abt these, and now am reading them here. you know, Barry, i am now laughing with tears. i am the girl writing at your page as “Princess Puput’, talked abt my been-3years anxiety disorder and stuffs, BUT scaredly keep the darkest worries to my self; some disturbing/violent thoughts like incest sex or suffocate my sister while she was sleeping. i used to thought it’s not a part of my anxiety problem, like i am now a natural psycho. but now, Barry, once again, i am laughing with tears in very very relieved feeling. i am starting to unmasking my shame of having this problem, being firstly honest ad clear to my self. THANK YOUU :*
PS:
i will have my first job test day after tomoz. it’s a very strict test, and i won’t be allowed to bring even my mineral water [a sip of it make me feel better everytime i feel anxious] to the test place. am challenging my self. i need a job. i want to have the Panic Away full program. pray for me, everyone. wish me luck.
hugs from me,
-ammy
notreallycrazy
This may not be true of everyone, but if you recently discovered PanicAway, use the coping mechanisms. They are the only real way to treat any phobia or anxiety. You must fight illogical thoughts and “fight or flee” moments with logic. For the past several weeks, I’ve witnessed firsthand the dark side to being prescribed a drug that should NOT have ever been prescribed to me: Zoloft. Now, having ceased taking it, my hand tremors have become more pronounced and constant, and my heart is racing even more. For three days I couldn’t sleep more than a couple hours a night, with multiple starts-and-stops each night. Now, I can’t even drink a cup of coffee without full on hyperactivity. Rather than letting all of this give me a full-fledged panic attack, I’m doing my best to work through it through positive actiion (cleaning the house, mowing the yard, etc.), and logically working through my anxious thoughts. The doctor says it will take 3 weeks for the medication to completely work its way through my system, so it looks like I’ll be exercising a lot in the next 3 weeks, and working through a lot of panic attacks. The good news is I already feel much calmer just writing this.
I hope this helps anyone else going through side effect related or withdrawal-related panic attacks.
Mary
Hello, I suffer from panic attac about 2 years. I study medicine and I so shame about my anxiety because I think ,,doctors should be brave”. But when I read panic away I learn that anxious people are very brave persons. I think if I tell everyone people will be gossip and think badly of me. But as time goes by I care less what people say.
P.S. Thank’s for article Panic Away, and One Move technique, helped me a lot.
Alle
Hello everyone!
I am 18 years old and I’ve suffered anxiety since I was a little girl. I have also experienced panicattacks a couple of times during my childhood. However, I did not receive any anxious thought or “anticipation-anxiety” until I got my last one earlier this year. I got it while eating, or more accurate I was during a split second unable to swallow the food I had in my mouth, it was like my muscles were paralyzed for a short moment and a began to panic. I was convinced that it was going to suffocate. I did not have to suffer these thoughts for more than a split second as it did not take long until I actually swallowed. But that during that short period of time, I was as I said convinced that I was going to die. I started to panic, and right after I swallowed my meal I started crying and hyperventilate. I was experiencing a panicattack. I do not actually remember the panic attack, I only remember lying on mom’s lap trying to breath slowly.
Since this day I have suffered several problems. Firstly I had a very hard time eating. Eating in school was a nightmare. I sat there with tight chest, high pulse, and only thinking “what if I won’t be able to swallow?” “What if i get a panicattack?” My life was completely changed. I was now scared and more anxious about my bodily sensations then ever before. The feelings one has inside of oneself when being anxious have not ever affected my thoughts and my me more anxious. But now it had started to affect me. As time passed I got more and more confident when eating. Of course I do still think of choking when eating, but I do not worry about it when not eating anymore.
Nevertheless I have started worrying about other things. One time, I was heading towards a panicattack while walking my sister’s dog outside. This was, due to the fact that I had to go pee so badly and the thought of pee in my pants fueled the panic in such a degree that I actually peed in my pants. Outside. Among where people could’ve seen me. So my anxiousness was now fueled by worry about If i was going to pee myself when being outside with friends, or if I was about to pee myself when doing a mathtest in school.
I do not worry too much about this either nowadays, but I have started worrying about getting panic attacks. I have always found it hard running shortdistance in a fast pace when thinking back on tests during gymnastics in school. I understand why now. I am very scared of experiencing smothering. And this is a very central feeling that I suffer when panicking. I also remember when thinking I was going to choke during that meal I mentioned earlier or during that walk with my sister’s dog thinking I was going to pee myself outside 17 years old I panicked so much. I can really feel now when writing the adrenaline spreading through my body and the shortbreathing along with high pulse. Not to mention the thoughts, “I am going to lose my mind. I am going to be crazy. This cannot happen, IT’S NOT NORMAL FOR A 17-YEAR OLD GIRL peeing herself.
I remember now all this pain that I suffered during my panick, and I am really scared it’s going to happen again. A week ago, I was going to present a work in english (I am from sweden) in front of my class and a thought came up in my mind saying “What if you lose the things you about to say? What if people notice you are mentally disturbing yourself with these thoughts? Now you have forgot for almost 2 seconds what you were about to say” My pulse increased. I had nothing to say. I started to panic. Due to this the not so unexpected thought “what if you get a panicattack right now in front of your classmates?” This ofcourse was a real trigger for me. That just could not happen. Then people would think I am crazy. That I mentally disturb or something like that. I excused myself saying “I am sorry, but I can not do this” and left the classroom. A couple of minutes later I returned and finished my presentation. Since this, I have been travelling by bus to other cities to be with friends, been out to town trying clothes and hanging out with friends. Or I’ve just been at home. All these occasions have one thing in common: I have struggled with the thought “What if I get a panic attack right now, what would people think?”
I feel this is very hard dealing with. As it is for many people, these thoughts were never bothering our minds before a situation that involved panicking/panicattack struck us that in it’s turn triggerd anxious thoughts like “what if it happens again?”
Finally i want to say that of course it truly sucks that we need to struggle with these kind of things but at the sam time I feel it comforting knowing that one is not alone, and it’s comforting realizing that. Commonly one (or at least I) think that I am the only one having these problems and thinking these thought etc. But now I know I am not.
sue
A Big Hug and support for Ammy I really hope u get the Job.Stay strong God Bless u and everyone thanks for sharing your Lov and support we are NOT alone we are together.
Maitri
Hi,
My name is Maitri and i have never admitted the reason for my panic attacks to anyone and this is the first time i am actually letting it out! here. I didn’t share it with anyone because firstly I thought it was really stupid and secondly because i did not see the point in sharing it.
So, getting to the point, I actually panicked at the thought of ‘studying’. I am in the fourth year of college right now and since the past six years i have had panic attacks stemming from my resistance to studying.
(There is a lot more to it, the reason why it happened to me etc. – long story/ies.)
So here, i have shared it 🙂
Randolf
Hello everyone,
feels so good to hear that so many of you experience the same terrible things – I’m proud of you!
After a long period (2 years now) of panic attacks, depression and depersonalization (triggered by high anxiety and a lot of panic attacks i think) I now experience the fear to be me… to be alive. I’m afraid to be alone with myself. I’m thinking things like “What makes me me? My face? My hands? My body? My mind? My thoughts? And how the hell works a thought? It can’t be possible to experience reality with this funny looking thing, called brain!” and so on.
I know/think it’s all together that makes a human being a human being. But it don’t feels like that this is the truth.
First I only had these thoughts when I spent time being alone (without television, radio etc.).
Meanwhile (since about 3 months now) I have these thoughts even when I meet my freinds, hanging out with my girlfriend or while talking to someone.
While doing stuff – like cleaning the livingroom – I got thoughts on my mind like “Why am I doing this? maybe it makes no sense… what if reality is just a video game? One day I’ll be dead and no one cares if I’m cleaning the livingroom right now…”.
These thoughts often lead to panic attacks.
I don’t feel much depressed while thinking these thoughts (mostly)… a good word for it: sober.
That’s so confusing to me.
I’m not sure if a overactive imagination is the reason for these thoughts/feelings… or if I’m just crazy.
Anyone out there who experienced the same things?
Kind regards from Germany and good luck to you all! 🙂
Rahmi Fajriah
Hi Sue, thankyou so much for ur support *hugs
And everyone, I feel down this morning. I write this down with tears flowing on my face. I talked to my mother abt my fear of fainting, both in private and public place. And the way she was responding just hurt me so much that i start to cry (i hide it from her). She said with inempathetic manner how she would really love to experience fainting, that fainting is good, blahblahblah. I want to tell her, that i used to be that way too, when i was still an anxiety free person. That she can’t treat me the same way she think, because, well, she is ‘normal’ and i am not. But she keeps talking abt how fainting is cool, even talk abt some out of topic theme, abt one of my dad’s friend who has brain cancer and fell faint almost every day, and how he manage it calmly. The F, i don’t have brain cancer, mom. Everything is okay with my body. He could handle his fainting calmly because he is okay PSYCHOLOGYGALLY (everyone here must known, how being psychologically troubled is lottss worse than having physical pain).
Don’t get me wrong. My mother is the only person understand me so far. She took me to any therapy i told her, she loves me so much that she would do anything to make me feel happy and normal again. But no matter how hard she try, she’s still a human with flaws. Let alone the fact that she doesn’t have GAD/panic problem, -only people suffer from it and few professional expert know exactly how horrible is GAD/panic, right?. So, sometimes she still act in disappointing way to me, saying things that are not what i needed to her, even when se doesn’t mean it.
She’s my strength that keep me holding on after almost 4 years of my GAD/panic problem. That’s why it hurt me most, when she, treat my problem like the way she did this morning (╥﹏╥) (╥﹏╥)
Anyone, give me a tight hug, please?
borga042
I have been suffering from anxiety for 4 years now. The thing is that I changed work and responsibility made me really anxious with all the symptoms over my body including rapid heratbeat, upset stomach, dizzyness, not able to concentrate, shivers over my body, sweating and all sorts of things. Now I changed work again thinking that I will be better but after a week I went back to having strong anxiety attacks. I sometimes feel very depressed and just want to sit back and stare at the TV. I try to fight this by carrying on with my kids and family but not feeling rest on the inside is really upsetting. Actually when I look back to my results at work, I have always accomplished and when speaking to my superiors they always said that I have always gave good results. The thing is the thoughts in my mind are sometimes very difficult to remove or think positively against them especially when Im really in an anxious state. Why do I keep thinking negatively when I know that I always gave results?
Lucy
For the past 5 and a half years I have ‘lived’ with anxiety. Used to have panic attacks but they were cured with a series of hypnotherapy sessions. I have good days and bad days. The worst part of all of this is the intrusive, anxious thoughts; as they can be violent and sexual in nature. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself for even thinking such things. I also have a mother who doesn’t understand about my anxiety, which doesn’t help whatsoever. She just says, ‘you’re weak!’, ‘you’re not a strong person at all!’ ‘You should go back to work, the longer you have off the worse it will be!’.
Does anyone else have this problem…..either the hideous anxious thoughts, a loved one who doesn’t act very loving or both !!?? Let me know….. I feel alone. Just to know there are others who feel this way would be some comfort to me.
🙁
Craig
Yes Lucy youngsters definitely are not alone!!!!!
Something that I am doing is talking to others about it and it is helping lots.
I am setting up a free team speak where we can jump online and talk to each other and give support to each other daily or weekly or whenever required.
I have been using team speak for gaming and have found sooooo many new friends across the world. I was surprised to find that several of them also suffered from anxiety and are willing to chats out it which has been fantastic.
If anyone thinks they would like to chat with each other and offer some support please let me know and I will forward you the team speak details and how to set it up and the best part is ITS FREE 🙂
Rahmi Fajriah
Dear Lucy, i am sending you tightest warm hugs as i’m writing this down at 03:09 morning here in Indonesia. I feel you. Some people treat us harshly, saying us weak, lack of courage, be positive etc and that us who overdramatize the fear. Which could be more heart shattering when i’ts done by the loving one. Try to outrightly forgive them, as they act that way due to their lack of knowledge of truths of anxiety/panic attack. And then let them know, that anxiety has nothing to do with one’s braveness level. Barry had worked with people from most brave job like policemen, firemen, soldier, they’re also deal with same problem, anxiety and panic attack. Let your mother know the truth, so she can stop treating you harshly. Every mother loves their kids so very much, and so does yours.
Ps:
Barry said, the anxious person are the bravest. They wake up and face their fear everyday, surviving every second to accomplish simple thing like go driving or groceries. Once we face our anxiety, we develop an inner strength that average people never gets to develop.
Never despair Lucy, you are not alone. We are all here reading your story and we feel you. Godbless.
-Ammi
Lucy
Thank you so much for your kind words, Rahmi 🙂
It is very nice to know there are others out there who share the same problems. The Panic Away program is helping a lot, and peoples support is so valuable.
Sending lots of hugs back to Indonesia ! 🙂
Lucy xxxxxxxx
Sue
Hi Lucy you are never alone having panic attacks people never understand what its like or what you are going through.You just have to be and stay strong it will pass accept what you are feeling don’t fight it and it will go away.I had panic attacks for over 30 years and you have good and bad days. I cant drive my car far by myself I need someone with me when I’m driving somewhere far. So Lucy you are not alone take care 🙂
Robert
Hi, I am currently 21, I’ve had anxiety all my life. I had been psychologically and physically abused since i was a child till high school when i finally grew big enough that the physical abuse had stopped. since i’I’ve been and always will be a “child” to him and he must be Fatherly, forcing me to do everything his way, scouting me whenever i am not perfect. He is a very controlling person when it comes to kids. After High School came College, where i moved to school away from my parents. Where freedom came I allowed myself to let go to experience the “college life”. My life got better as my anxiety faded slowly but surely. During my third year (recent year) the law stroke and I was charged with position with marijuana. My parents wanted me to move home and I thought this would help me with quitting pot and cigarettes more importantly. Recent my anxiety came back due to observing how my dad raise my six year old brother and just being around my parents. Back with daily anxiety and worries, i am filled with fear, intrusive, and sexual thoughts daily. There has not been a day since i moved back where my body does not feel discomfort. I really hope writing this all down would make my anxiety better.
Lucy
Craig,
That would be so helpful ! I think part of my problem is that I have no one to talk to about this, so that would help A LOT.
Many thanks!!!! 🙂
Craig
Lucy/others,
If you are interested in the talking with one another leave me a message and I will forward you the details.
[email protected]
Regards
elaine
I feel as though im going mad , I have thoughts in my head all the time , I don’t know what the thoughts are there all mixed up and just everyday thoughts but none stop. I also feel suicidal sometimes even though I know I wont do it, my head just wont clear.
clau
What can i do to help you people???…because I’ve been through a tough time of anxiety as you and I’m recovering now from it!!!:)…HAVE FAITH AND NEVER GIVE UP!!!ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE,ALWAYS!!!…if you need help manage your situation you can find me at [email protected]…be well
Irene
after a period of about 20 years of panic and general anxiety (still struggling it) I had a lot of these thoughts like driving my car frontal to a tree or jump from the balcony or just crying out on the streets. They still come from time to time and then I try to accept and let them go on. Just past like all the others thoughts I have. I made it through the last 20 years so I think I can manage another 20 years. 😉
Carlos Pinto
Awesome the number of people with this issue! And what a relief to know I’m not alone. I think I’m always afraid of an unknown threat. I think that fear is the fear that God will take my life as punishment for my sins.
But I’m not sure if this is the real fear or if I fear fear itself. I am very imaginative and I live 70% in a fantasy world. I guess my issue is general anxiety more than panic although I have had a few panic attacks over the years. I’m practicing the Panic Away technique and it reduced my anxiety. I start practicing it as soon as I notice anxiety to emerge. But when I DEMAND MORE, I don’t feel more. Is this right?
Thank you
Rhonda
I can relate to all of these stories as I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression sin e I was a child Im 51 now and tried every self help thing CDs DVDs books medication along with counseling. We can’t bandaid the issues we need to veg to the root cause and removed it. The healing codes is by a Dr Alex Loyd and its phenomenal we don’t need to suffer .check out Dr loyds book I feel like I’m on my way out of years of suffering 🙂
Sacha
I suppose that I’ve always been an overly anxious person, but I had my first real panic attack a little over a year ago on January 29, 2013. I hope to one day forget that date. I was smoking weed at the time, and I had been an avid cannabis smoker for over 13 years. All of the sudden my whole body became hot & flushed. I couldn’t swallow & it felt like my throat was closing up, I thought I was choking to death & I needed to drink water just to swallow.
I went to the ER where they diagnosed me with an allergic reaction to an antibiotic that I had recently been prescribed. Doctors pumped me with adrenaline via Epi pen shots and Benadryl, which just made my anxiety worse. Following my 1st attack, my life became unbearable & over a period of 2 months I went to the ER 9-10 times. All the tests came back negative and my health looked good, so of course I was diagnosed with anxiety. I couldn’t believe that my brain was causing these physical symptoms, maybe I didn’t want to believe it because I felt that would mean I was crazy. Other anxiety symptoms came & went; trouble swallowing, hot flashes, tingling, raced heart rate, palpitations, etc. But I had two symptoms that remained with me constantly for 9+ months; a detachment to reality, and a lightheaded/drugged felling. I couldn’t describe it to people (or doctors) without receiving either skepticism or concern for my mental health. I felt like my eyes no longer belonged to me, I could see just fine, but it felt like I was looking out through the eyes of someone else. I felt like I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol all the time. Needless to say I do not smoke weed or drink anymore for fear of having that feeling again and causing myself a panic attack.
In April of last year I was diagnosed with a non-secreting Pituitary tumor which, of course, added to my anxiety level. During this time, I began to experience something far worse than the fear of my death or leaving the house. I started to think of hurting or killing those closest to me & the shame and guilt that followed these thoughts was immense. Luckily, I was able to confide these thoughts to my mom and spouse because I had to get it out. I really thought I was losing my mind & that I would harm the people that I love the most & I was afraid to tell my doctor because I knew she’d either have me committed or put on anti-psychotics. I prayed for forgiveness & the strength to overpower these emotions & with time they were gone. Around September of 2013, I began to regain control over my life again, I no longer felt high & disconnected & my panic attacks were less frequent.
I’ve learned to accept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, but I don’t know how to welcome panic attacks just yet. What’s helped me most is acceptance and keeping a journal & write about my emotions & fears during & following a panic attack, that way I can pinpoint my possible triggers. My last panic attack was Christmas Eve, 2013, when I naively attempted to drink some Christmas cheer & have a hit off a joint. I realize that some of my triggers are marijuana, alcohol, and caffeine so I stay away from them now. I miss Starbucks the most 🙁
I still feel lightheaded often, I still get shaky with a racing heart, flushed, and high strung; the only difference is that now I know it’s just anxiety & I can usually calm myself down before it turns into a full blown panic attack.
Lena
I have been suffering for the last 15 years, maybe longer. It only got worse in the last 15 years. I can’t work. I don’t feel safe out in the world. For a while there, I thought I was going crazy because who can’t stand to be around other people. My hands shake all the time and I always have to know where the exit is. I’ve had panic attacks at the mall with my daughter with me. I thought no one else would understand why I can’t get past this and get on with life. Even the grocery store can be bad.
Balkan_boy
Hi everyone,
I’m not a native speaker of English so bear in mind the fact that I might make mistakes while I’m writing this to you.
For starters, I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. I’ve tried all kind of medicines and nothing worked. I’ve been struggling with this problem for almost two years now. Also, I’m not sure if this is the real diagnose. Some of the doctors said that I had panic attacks too. However, my quality of life has been severely damaged due to this problem. I work as a teacher at university and it’s very responsible job as you all know. Plus, I’m writing my Master’s thesis but all of the abovementioned problems just distract me from my obligations. And not just that. My liife has turned to a living hell beacuse of this. I simply don’t know how to cope with this problem any more. I constantly have these violent and aggressive thoughts that are killing me lietrally. They’re whirling through my mind and consuming me. It even gets to that point that I get completely lost, down in the dumps…
Wherever I go it follows me and it turns everything into a dark and meaningless place.
Steven
It’s been about 15 years of panic attacks. The last 8 years getting progressively worse. I’m now 45. I used be fearless – totally: traveling over seas, scuba diving, deep forest hiking, camping, cave exploration, extensive travel for business, conducting training for large audiences of professionals, anything, everything.
Also, I’m a retired MARINE with survival training, extensive sailing experience, all of it. I had my first panic attack in Hawaii while driving home from a clients house when I was 30. I thought I was dying! Racing heart, body went numb, started to black out, felt totally lost, thought I forgot who I was!, felt like I lost touch with reality and all sense of direction. NO IDEA what the hell happened or what caused it – to this day. All I know is that my body failed me. For the first time in my entire life I was afraid. Scared to death – and I didn’t know why or what.
That was 15 years ago & it’s getting worse. Now I break into a cold sweat just THINKING of taking my kids to the museum, or taking my wife shopping to a mall, especially if there are two levels – forget it. I WILL NOT get on an elevator now. I’ve taken the stairs 15 stories up to an attorney’s office once!
I think my biggest trigger is not being able to get out of somewhere that I don’t want to be, and having another panic attack in that place… like an airplane, or elevator, or traffic, or on the far side of a shopping mall. I’m now very claustrophobic. I never used to be – in fact I was the opposite. I was the guy who would get into the weirdest toughest spot to fix a boat engine, or under a house to fix the pipes. I used to hike 12 miles into the forest and have lunch. Now I won’t go 100 yards into a Cosco, or walk down the street more than a block.
I’ve fought it hard over the last few years, did the research, got some ‘dealing with anxiety’ CD’s and it’s helped a lot! I was actually able to drive my son 400 miles to college (took me 3 months to prepare – lol), go to Disneyland with my family (that was TRAUMATIC AS HELL). It was a day filled with horrible-ness in every way imaginable, I even ran out of the haunted house when the door shut to start the ride – I ran right back out – lol. But I did it and lived. I’ve since been able to take family back to Disneyland 6 times. The first time we went, it took me 45 minutes just to get on and stay on the tram to get to the gate to get into the park itself. My kids don’t understand and my wife hates me for being such a chicken I’ve become.
I gotta fix this. Right now.
So, now for me it’s about my physical health again. I do still know how to adapt to anything, even if I’m severely limited. My workout gym is small, one level, really nice, and 3 blocks away. I figure that if I can get to the point of getting very strong and fit again, being able to actually WALK TO THE GYM to work out, and then walk back, I’ll be able to have more confidence in relying on my body – then when the panic attack starts up, I’ll just go with it, knowing I’m fit enough to take-on anything, and it will subside quickly. I’ll then work my way out back into the world from there – ultimately getting back onto an airplane for a trip with my kids. I’ve not been on a plane since 1999. I used to fly 10,000 miles a year.
It also helps knowing that I’m not alone or crazy. (well, not entirely barking-mad). It also helps to meditate in the morning to get centered & focused. My family has taken that kind of time away over the years, and I know it’s apart of the problem. I’m used to being the lone wolf in complete charge of small, well trained groups that would die & kill for me. Kids and wife — not so much.
I cannot talk to my family or friends about this at all. They think I’m joking, or just making up an excuse so I don’t have to go and do something. I’ve been ridiculed and alienated by the people closest to me – like I’ve let them down; and I most certainly have. That for me his the hardest part. I can’t stand it.
All I know is that I will no longer continue to be this way. I am not afraid of death, I am not afraid of pain, I am not afraid of intense situations. I just want to be myself again. 🙁
Craig
Steven,
You have explained it perfect!! I am in the same boat.
I was as strong as an ox took my family out, held large meetings, could talk to anyone a came across.
I know it is no relieve to you hearing this but to me it means the world. I feel so alone all the time and feel like I’m about to fall off of the “mental edge” or go crazy. I obviously have not and always seem to get through I just can’t stand the thought that this will be me for the rest of my life.
It has been such a humbling experience for me that I don’t need to be the way I was, I just need to be able to function again. I took so many things for granted, simple things to a “normal” person but now for me if I could just take my wife food shopping it would be such a great feeling, go out for a meal or even just take my wife for a coffee. I still love my family as much as I ever have its just now I only have time for me and find it hard to give them time as I am trying so hard just to make it through each day I have no energy left. I guess it has made me selfish in a way.
Regards,
Craig
Max
Hi yal, I feel these daily emails have already started to help me just in the last few days I started suffering with chronic anxiety a little over a year ago panic attacks included. When I was 17 I enlisted in the Marines, it’s was my life’s goal and couldn’t be more exited about it, a few weeks before I was suppose to ship to boot camp I got arrested and was discharged. Needless to say my dreams were crushed. But I got my hopes and motivation back up to train and apply for a waiver later down the road I lost my dog and a dear friend I didn’t know it but stress was started to build up inside me one day I had a heart palipitation and I thought I was having a heart attack. For the next year I was having all sorts of uncomftorbal and saty bodily sensations that were giving me panic attacks and trips to the emergency room all to turn out to be “fine” but I still wouldn’t belive it. So for a long time I had bad anxiety about my health always thinkig there is somthing wrong with me. It has taken over my life and I try to suppress it by doing things I love, it only helps a little. All until a few days ago when I sat my self down and really thought about what I was afraid of until finally I told myself that God has a plan for me and no matter what I do or worry about it doesn’t matter because in the end we are all part of a plan and we are all going to DIE at some point that’s a fact but I doesn’t worry me anymore in fact it’s made me feel better an except that I have an anxiety problem, not a health problem. Sense I have realized this I have been able to slowly recover I still got a ways to go but am feeling confident about the future. I am heelin my problem and my bad knee, by the way I dislocated my knee in training. Any way hoping to re-enlist in the Marines in the future and if not that then there’s the Army. Chin up yal!
Laura
I recently had a mild concussion then a few nights later I had a panic attack, the doctors are conecting it too the concussion but I have so many things hapining in my life now im unsure. I have had this feeling in my stomach threw my life..nothing seriouse but now when it happens I cant breath, my world is dizzy and I feel helpless. I fear another panic attack all the everyday and icannot sleep because of it. I have such a wonderful life and this is really slowing me down, I do not want to take any medications and I feel alone..I dont have any angry or violent thouts. ButI worry all day, what about I could barely tell you. I know there is light at the end of the dark tunnel…and I thank you all for sharing your stories and to panc away for making me realize im not insane.
Lissa
I am suffering anxiety & I dislike all the fearful thoughts I get, I feel like I’m not myself & I get really sad about it. I am ashamed of thoughts of wanting to just leave this earth because these symptoms are too much at times to handle. I get extreme depressive feelings sometimes & I get afraid what if I do something to harm myself 🙁 I was such a spiritual person before no clue what’s wrong with me :'(
Mahendra
I think i have been a victim of anxiety all over my life. I’m 22 years old right now. I was in a abusive environment when i was a child; i often got beat up by my parents and lack of freedom and flexibility throughout my adolescents life with reason that I’m the only son.
However, i just discover that i have anxiety a couple years ago. when i went to the hypnotherapy in order to eliminate my stutter. The therapist said that it was a result of anxiety disorder. After a dozen of therapy sessions, my stutter slowly began to reduce. Anyhow, I’m more concerned to anxious thoughts, that i realize and began more anxious in almost every aspect of life, especially in my social life. I began to understand and trying to discover that particular feeling of anxious. for me, it happens when i socialize, for instances, meeting friends, having a conversation in groups, hangout, even that anxious thoughts occur while I’m with my closest friends.
The negative thoughts suddenly came up every time I try to be social. the felling like being judge, overly thinks about what “they” think about my self, and even when in silence i began to feel anxious of what should I say to avoid awkward situations which it has just cause even more awkward situation, and made me feel more insecure. The insecurities makes me feel like a weird, awkward, and even a not intelligence person, who i was not.
I desperately want to eliminate my general anxiety disorder, especially my social anxiety disorder to get my life back. to do better in every aspect of my life. To regain the respects of others, to be my self again.
Madelene
My story is similar to yours. I’m terrified to stay alone with my kids, because I’m afraid to have a panic , become mad,then hurt them somehow. This feelings kills me, I’m a very loving mom and a very caring person..I don’t sleep for the whole night if one of my kids is having high temperature . This feeling kept me from going to work because I’m afraid to hurt anybody’s feelings or even worse. This awful feeling started a month ago. I’m perimenopausal and I’m in my forties. I suffered from anxiety and panic the past last year. But nothing is like that feeling.
THANK YOU SO MUCH , I feel really normal .
Susan
I had my first panic when I left my husband. Stayed with my elderly parents in severe anxiety until I went back to him. My anxiety went away till now. I moved 8 times since 2008. He died. I fell in love again and he left and which put me in grief over him and my husband. So now I had panic getting an X-ray which now is severe anxiety since September 2013. I know it went away before and hope it does not last as long as last time. I want to be happy again.
Lee
I have recently begun having panic attacks from anxiety. They are terrifying and I find my mind wondering all the time. When they begin my heart pounds and I can’t sit still. I have been bi-polar for several years and suffer with treatment for that. Lately my meds have changed and then the panic attacks began, I mostly suffer from them upon waking in the morning and have begun taking Lorazapam several times a day to help the attacks. It’s impossible to talk about this with family as they just don’t understand and expect me to just snap out of it. It’s truly dilbilitating and I would much rather spend the day inside my home. I’ve lost desire to do things and function normally and know I need help. I’m shocked to see the number of postings on this thread from others suffering from the same thing, thank you for posting.
Albert (aka. Bwanafedha)
I have had a general anxiety since I retired 10 years ago. It has nothing to do with panic, the symptom is a permanent lump in my chest which has nothing to with my physical health, which the doctor tells me is 100% all right. This lump makes my whole body uneasy and uncomfortable. In strength it varies from 3 to 10 on a scale of 1 – 10. At 10, I can’t concentrate on anything except taking medication.
When occupied with menial AND intellectual tasks, the lump subsides so that I can concentrate on what I am doing. If I have a task to do or appointment to make, I have to do it immediately – otherwise I get restless. After the job is done, the lump grows again.
The problem has grown to such an extent that interaction with friends and family is affected – however, I have normal and amicable interaction with other people. I am hesitant to commit myself to future appointments or social events.
The situation has developed to the degree that I feel that my interaction with my closest family is suffering.
Sam
Hi,
I dont know if these are panic attacks or whatever. But for the past 6 months I started feeling some thing is wrong with my health.One fine day, suddenly in my sleep I got rapid heart beat and I went to ER and they said everything is normal. I got my blood work done, heart tests done and everything(echo,stress test,holter) everything looks good. But from then on, I started counting my heartbeat every time possible and it made me feel worse. I have been getting chest pains, body pains, dry mouth, headaches and off late I have problems sleeping. It has been 5 days I slept properly. I feel if I am going to have a heart attack. I do not like it being the way I am. Can someone really help me come out of this? Do anybody have symptoms like this?
Cissi
My attacks recently started. I was on an air plain when the first attack came and it was so awful!
I seriously thought I was going to die. This was a week and a half ago. After that I’m afraid of getting it again and are surviving not living. I shared my thoughts we my two sisters and some withy husband. I not working. Nothing wrong with my heart according to the doctors. They say I have extremely high blood pressure and got medicine.
I’m a shame of it all and put pressures on me. I’m working with young people suffering from things like this so I’m suppose to know… But I don’t.!!! I’m also afraid of talking to husband thinking he would judge me.
Or leave me and then I be totally one!
But I think I have to talk to him… I have to do it. I read about all of you knowing I’m not alone feels better but I don’t want to experience this for years!! I’m thinking of getting the panic away program today. This has to stop I will get back to my normal life!
Sandra
Hello everyone I been dealing with anxiety for 1 yr and 9 months … Everyday I wake up with stomach pain and sensation that i cant breath 🙁 … and all day long i have sensations of choking and that my heart is beating fast and that i cant breath and head sensations..i have been seen by several doctors but they all come to the conclusion that I’m depress and have anxiety … i have tried yoga, exercise, changing my eating and listening to relaxing music I also have taken different type of tea’s .. but it seems that nothing works 🙁 … it is so sad that people have to go through this I’m life .. anxiety is a bad feeling ..